Scared

I'm aware I'm scared of change. But that doesn't make me feel better, or instigate bravery.

It's been about 2 weeks since he last called me babe.
It's been exactly 3 weeks since he last said I love your face.
It's been I-don't-know-how-long since he's last instigated a conversation that wasn't around a youtube video or twitter status or tumblr photo.

...it's as if I'm living the song lyric "It's always darkest before the dawn," and I'm terrified that I haven't reached the darkest point yet. I don't even dare discuss this with anyone because I know where the conversation is going to go.

This doesn't look good. And it feels even worse.

...fucking hell.

Waiting for the Final Blow

...and again, the silence falls. Because now when I say I love yo face, it's met with silence. Unless I fill it with another transition to a different topic.

But no more. I don't care if that statement hangs for the rest of the evening. He can stare at it and reflect on why it's so hard for him to say it back to me now.

Fuck it.

Short Musings

What I'd give to hear him say 'I love yo face' again....

There's a small voice in my head that wishes maybe he just hasn't realized it's been over a week since he's said it. But we're not stupid. It's one of the reasons I fell so hard for him.  No.....we're well aware of the dynamics shift. I just wish I knew what it'd take to set things right again so I can hear him say it without restraint...

I love your face.

...And More Silence

I hate silence.

I know, I've said it before and I hate that I have to say it again. I hate silence.

But if there's anything I'm willing to hate more right now, it's the fact that since leaving Albuquerque six days ago, I've had to instigate every Skype and text message conversation. I can put something up on Twitter and most likely get a response, yet you don't have anything to say to me? Even after you finally get your day of glory at work that you've been looking forward to for weeks now? Bullshit.

It might kill me inside to keep quiet, but like fucking hell am I going to continue coming up with things to say when you're around. Because by this point, I'm feeling more like nothing but an annoyance. If you're going to say you miss my face, then you're gonna damn well mean it when you do. And if you're gonna ask why you haven't heard from me in a while, then at least I'll be able to ask when it suddenly became my responsibility to instigate every conversation. We had a good balance going. Now all I want is for you to ask me how my day went.

...No, what I really want is to know if I fucked things up that badly coming down to see you. I want to know if I fucked things up permanently showing you my feelings, or just what I've done to make you quit talking to me. I want to know whether you're just stressed about something and whether I can help with it. I want to know when things will go back to normal.

I hate silence, but I hate insincerity more. I'd rather be alone and depressed than have to beg for attention.....even though I feel so, so fucking alone.