Some people never get out of high school.

The hypocrisy of your statement hurts, god it hurts so bad. Do you even know where you are? You boast fairness and accuracy with your journalism background. You are supposed to be unbiased and respectful to everyone. You DEMANDED I be respectful to everyone because god forbid you ever believe one of my tweets could apply to you.

Yet here you are, in a relationship straight out of stereotypical high school. In trouble for making offensive tweets like "Can't tell if gay or douchbag, sorry gays people but sometimes I can't tell." ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME. Yeah I saw you deleted it, and yet you're too blind to see you've gone backwards into high school.

If this is what having a girlfriend does to you...then my pity is extra strong for you.

Dream Journal #6

I was at home with my parents this time. So was Aaron. It was the Aaron I used to know, the one I would be proud to bring home. He was cooking dinner for us, and had me help with part of it. That sexual tension was still there, those brief touches on the arm or shoulder. When we were alone we would start kissing, but when it'd get too heated he'd slow down. "It's cheating." Then we weren't alone, and I ended up rubbing his shoulders  and back, and gave him a massage he was far too into.

...god I miss him.

Word Vomit

It disappoints me how fucking childish you've turned out.

Blocking me from your "professional" Twitter is one thing.

Reblogging shit when you see I'm on at the same time is another.

So is tweeting about your girlfriend on Twitter when I begin to tweet more frequently as well.

Not gonna lie, but it reeks of attention-seeking tactics and it's hurting yourself and your girlfriend more than me.

Besides, you know how overly attached she is. And you thought I was bad, hahahahaha.

Dream Journal #5

I was in Albuquerque again. Part of it I was just walking around, then had to find my purse that I had left somewhere. The other part, I was with Aaron and psycho filming something for a class. We were filming psycho driving around town, then somehow she crashed the car. Which for some reason Aaron and I left her to deal with that and walked to our new destination without her. The walk led to occasional arm touches, to Aaron saying "I've missed you" and the two of us hugging for longer than necessary.

Dream Journals #3 & #4

#3: Aaron says to me "I hate you because I love you." It was mildly aggressive. Not sure if it was out of anger or angry passion. Sigh.

#4: Involving a mixture of school and home. Involved an insane amount of screaming and fighting, then when the last screaming fight ended with me choking on the word 'bitch' because of tears I woke up crying.

But then again, that could've been because I upped the dose on the anti-anxiety meds and was still feeling good enough to skip the second dose before bed. Sooo no more skipping maybe?

Dream Journal #2

I was back in Albuquerque on the UNM campus, even though I've been there before and know it looks nothing like where I was. Why I was there, I've no idea. I just kept moving from chair to chair, knowing Aaron was around there and hoped I would find him eventually. Then I moved to a corner of the unknown space and he found me first. Sat down next to me. I could only stare, he's always been so gorgeous to me. He smiled, we linked arms like we did when we first met, always needing that physical touch. Someone turned around, and asked who I was. Aaron kept smiling but stuttered as to how to explain it. "Ahh...a good friend." He stands up, the physical touching's stopped. I follow him toward the other end of wherever the hell we were, but I lost him in the crowd and couldn't find him.

Then I woke up and wrote a dream journal about it here.

Then I really did wake up.

Dream Journal #1

Despite the anti-anxiety meds making me sleep pretty hard and fast during the night, I do have one brief recollection of a dream from last night.

Whatever it was, part of it included a revelation that his mother didn't like psycho girlfriend.

I know it's only a dream, but....damn.

Shots Fired

"Is it weird that I like it when my girlfriend wears my clothes?"

I dunno, was it weird that you gave me one of your sweatshirts? You sure as fuck didn't say anything when I wore your t-shirt in front of your mother, or when I wore your favorite button-down the day of the We The Kings concert.

I can't fucking wait for that Skype date with Mette. Get this fucking anger and venting out. You're still a fucking prick seeking approval of and for your girlfriend when it's entirely unnecessary. FUCK.

I Won't Back Down

I can not, WILL NOT, be blamed as the toxic person in this goddamn relationship. I have done everything I could to maintain communication in it.

YOU are the immature individual shoving it in my face passive aggressively that I'm the "shitty" relationship you've been in.

YOU are the immature individual taking my every Twitter/Tumblr/FB share/tweet as a direct slam on you.

YOU are the immature asshole who has been running from the very beginning, ever since you realized I actually give a shit about you.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? Are you SO disillusioned that you can't admit your own part in the state we're in? YOU ARE THE ONE WHO RAN AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE. You've never once apologized for being an asshole, and now when I've called you out on your asshole bullshit, you get butthurt over it? You spent so long convincing yourself you are an asshole, so when I call you out on how right you are lately you turn to shit?

If you have a problem with me, then fucking confront me. BUT OH WAIT YOU WON'T, because you think passive aggressive is the way to communicate with me lately. You don't want my side of the story, then fuck you. The way you've treated me is the way you think I deserve to be treated, but that's not how respect works: You treat people the way YOU want to be treated, and apparently you want to be treated like shit.

I'm the Princess Leia to your Han Solo. When I said "I love you", you said "I know." And since then, you've fucked over your own mind and our friendship so you could replace it with great sex and avoiding maturity. Look at how much Leia and Han had to fucking overcome. LOOK AT IT. NO DON'T LOOK AWAY TAKE A GODDAMN GOOD LOOK INSIDE YOU. You and your girlfriend are two toxic timebombs held together by what, your mutual insecurities? Fuck if I know because you refuse to communicate with me about what's going on.

You are in so much denial, I don't know what it's gonna take for you to get your head out of your ass. And when you do, I don't know if you'll realize the mistakes you've made. You're such a fucking hypocrite now, it's amazing you don't hate yourself.

Then again, maybe you do. You've wallowed in so much self-deprecation, your girlfriend is the only thing giving you worth now that you've shoved me away.

Treat me like shit, and the universe will treat you in kind. I have to believe this. I might not be patient enough, but it will come...

Why did I have to fall in love with you? Why did I have to fall in love with your smile, your laugh, your sweet words and your hugs? How fucking stupid am I to still love you with all your faults, knowing you have commitment issues, abandonment issues, self-consciously still picturing yourself as that chubby 10-year-old on top of your LTA braces years and acne you still battle?

Fucking tell me TO MY FACE that I don't know who you are, that I don't know how kind you are under the asshole exterior, and by god have you run the asshole exterior into the ground.

HOW DO I FUCKING SHOW YOU THAT YOU ARE EVERYTHING? You are both the asshole and the lover, but you are NOT this judgmental, biased individual who's incapable of forgiveness.

The fact of the matter is, you turned your back on me when my depression reached its worst. The culmination led to me doing one thing I shouldn't have done, apologized for over and over again, and I can NOT continue blaming myself.

But instead you ignore me more than ever, and I still haven't done anything to deserve it.

You fucking fartbag, you deserve to lose everything at this point for the egotistical attitude you've exhibited.

I just want the crying to stop. I want to feel...less.

Your Face

Every time I see your face I go weak. I just want to reach out and hug your face and tell you everything will be all right.

It's like I can feel your turmoil, your emotional instability.

You've become a fartbag. And I've apologized enough for my mistakes that I can't take back.

And while you might have intended to passive aggressively tell me "I'm not worth it", the reality is you told a fellow movie clubber that he wasn't worth including on your theoretical party. Did you mean it as a joke? Maybe. But it was an immature dick move.

No one is impressed with your behavior. Your friends are not impressed with your snapchats of your girlfriend. Then again, how many of your friends are now made up from her friends?

I don't want to watch you drown in hate, anger, and supposed love. You're choking on the vindictive attitude toward me. You're going to choke on toting around your love for her.....and in some ways I'm doing the same with you. Choking, drowning, and now taking the steps to build myself up again.

Tell me what I did that deemed me "unworthy." Then we'll talk.

Some Things Will Never Change

No matter how hard I try, I can't quit you.

The more you call her babe, share things publicly with her, throw love around, the more resolved in my feelings toward you. I love you. I can't fucking quit. I love your face. I love you. And as I'm staring down the belly of the beast, I'm not scared....well, maybe a little. I'm scared you'll do something incredibly stupid. I'm scared you'll never come back to me, no matter how hard I try. I'm scared you'll never realize how immature and childish you've become.

Don't even try to hide it. You make posts thinking you're hilarious when they're just not the same. So yeah, I'm calling you out on it, and so will my friends and your friends. I can't even tell if you're keeping up with your friends since you spend so much time with hers now. Remove them from the picture, and what will you have?

You'll come back to me. I can't give up hope that you will, and you're just unpredictable enough that you probably will. But you're drowning in her, drowning in the holiday love, and that high won't last forever. You couldn't make it last with me.