No....Just No.

I think it is official, life has decided to fuck me sideways and leave me on the corner for shits and giggles.....that is quite the detailed metaphor. But as of now, I believe it's true.

While I wallowed in my stress and hormone-induced self-esteem bipolarness, I got a much-needed boost from getting a simple phone call from HCB asking about dinner plans. Well, in this case it was a lack of dinner plans 'cause he had quite a bit to do involving work at 6 tonight, and in his words, he didn't want to rush stuff like that. As in he didn't want to rush dinner with me, when we had two hours before he went to work. >.>

Even though I haven't gotten to see him in over a week, it was disturbingly comforting to get that little phone call. Which put me in better spirits the rest of the day, considering that shit tried to pile up afterward.

Then there came the kicker that has convinced me I'm life's fucking playtoy. I had a freshman ask me out. :/

Now, in hindsight, this is a nice esteem boost that I probably needed pretty badly. Keeps me from convincing myself that I may not be good enough for HCB, but there are others that are interested. But there are just too many problems. For one, he's a freshman. I'm not doing younger again, nope nope. I don't want the drama and immature bullshit again. Second, he's going to be a CA in Beede with me next year. Ahhh major clusterfuck on the whole work contract shit. They don't have two CAs that are dating/engaged/whatevs in the same building, because otherwise it leads to some very awkward crap if and when they break up. They hate putting them in paired complexes too, which means when they do they sit them down and have a nice little chat. Here, it's just not gonna work unless they moved one of us. I'm not having any of that shit. And third......yeah, just not interested.

I have a nice little war going on that just gave me a bastard of a headache tonight. On one side is my common sense, which tells me despite the place of work situation I have nothing to lose. I am single, and that's not going to change anytime soon due to HCB's eventual leaving and his lack of interest. I also have the notion that just because I don't like them back, I don't know them well enough to say for sure whether that is a permanent case, so I tell myself to go on one date and see what happens after that.

Then there's my gut reaction part. Which tells me that yeah, he's a nice guy. Now tell him to fuck off and walk away. Mostly because the gut reaction is one very similar to when I'm stressed, which means my stomach feels like it's been punched  a few times and makes me rather resistant to the idea of food. Would rather eat and keep it in my stomach as opposed to throwing it back up when I'm feeling like I want to perpetually throw up. Not to mention that I like someone else. End of story. Regardless of the circumstances, I'll have HCB constantly in the back of my mind, and that's what kills. Regardless of what my brain tells me, my gut doesn't like the circumstances and kicks the shit out of me for it. My gut looks at the fact that he went to high school and graduated with my ex, and that is a definite no-go.

What sort of fucking test is this for me? To see how often I can put up with this cycle of falling for the one who couldn't give a shit, while another nice guy comes by and does all the right things and I couldn't give a shit?

I can't even admit to myself that I might've fallen for HCB. Fucking hell.....

What did I do this time to deserve this. :/