It's days like today that I remind myself how fucking low I really am on the totem pole...and it's amazing how fast that low level in one area can take over all others and cause you to feel like everything else stressing you out is just not worth it.
And that's the road I'm headed down. Between working, Volante, more working, and getting ready for classes, I'm close to getting burned out. I already was last night just thinking about it all. And on top of all that, I still have to get to McFadden to drop off applications and sign up for interview times and all this crap? What the hell...I'm on the verge of saying screw it, I won't take a second desk job just because the applying is a pain in the ass, plus I have just an hour more of shifts each week compared to last semester for Brookman. The only thing telling me I might as well try is the fact that I'm living off-campus next year.
Fucking hell.
I know most of the stuff I'm stressing over aren't worth the time or energy. Hell, half of it is just because I don't have the energy or the motivation to actually do the shit. Sure, I can live with managing the desk today. And the Volante office is just a couple buildings down, no biggie. And.....ohh yay, no floor meeting tonight. My apathy and self-hate is masking my gratitude. Maybe I can make the rest of the day better like I did yesterday. Even though that took most of my energy as well...
Basically, I'm at the point where I don't know how much longer I can keep lying to myself that I'm on solid ground, when these days remind me that there was no ground underneath me in the first place. I try to give myself hope, and sometimes that hope fades very quickly...or it sticks. And when it sticks, the results are usually worse that that quickly fading hope. Greeeeeat.
How often do I have to remind myself...I don't mean shit to him. Simple as that. He has other friends that he's closer with, other girls who he prefers to amuse himself with. And sooner or later, I'm going to have to brace myself for the inevitable end.
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