I'm a mess. Desperate for some clarity. Even more desperate for my best friend to come back...even when the last thing he sees me is as a friend at all.
I have seen him at his best, and I have seen him at his worst. This....this is definitely his worst. Blowing money on tattoos and new cameras, talking down to me, and when he doesn't want to be kind he just ignores me. Who he doesn't ignore is that girlfriend of three months. Took you that long to say 'I love you' to her, huh. And what did it take? Christmas and some expensive present she bought you? Because it seems that she's more proud of how much she's spent on presents than she is on your reaction to them...if you had any.
"Thanks love."....Do you do this for your benefit? Or for hurting me? How long can you two keep this up before someone says quit? The voice in me fears that you'll drag this on until you've destroyed each other. You've already destroyed our friendship, who else is going to feel this? What did you accomplish removing yourself from my life, other than prolonging my depression.
It tears me up inside, but this was what I wanted all along. To see you happy with someone. And yet it doesn't feel right. It feels so fucking wrong, and I DON'T KNOW WHY. Or maybe I do and it's the entire list of bullshit that's gone on these last six months...
....I know you better than I know myself at this point. I know you would contradict anything and everything I'd have to say to your friends, your family members, all of it. You'd contradict me, tear me down, tell me I don't know you at all because people change and I have to move on. You'd outline everything I'm supposed to do with my life, but never tell me what we're moving on from or why it's even necessary. And if you saw everything I'm typing here, you'd know I was right. You WOULD contradict me. You WOULD try to convince me that I don't know who you are anymore. But here I'd be, waiting. Waiting to tell you "I told you so."
I do know you. And you aren't acting like the person I've known for the year you talked to me. You haven't changed for the better, you've changed for the worse, and I know you'll look back and have your regrets. Same as you do with your past selves.
There's these...feelings inside me. Feelings that your relationship will end, even though I feel like it's going to last forever. What we had was good, but I truly never understood the depth of your anger, your frustrations, your everything. We NEEDED to have arguments, and obstacles, and problems. Every relationship does. But you're running from them. You think what you have is great now, and it might be. But if there's no conflict.....who knows what'll happen. You've been a stupidass, and we've made mistakes, but I would do it all again.
At first I thought you were running from me because you couldn't handle your feelings for me. Now I feel like you're running from me because you can't get rid of me. That maybe if you whore this relationship around, make me feel like an outsider, that I'll eventually leave. Yet look at where we are. You take no one seriously except for me. You allow everyone into the harem, except for me. If I don't take you seriously, then what, you'll get pissed because I give you what you wanted? It's immature and childish. But here you be, convincing yourself you're more mature than half the people your age....mature people don't spend money they don't have on tattoos and new cameras. Mature people talk things out. Immature people do what you've done repeatedly, which is get pissed at someone for something you think they did, then remove them from your life without explanation.
We're not done yet. You mean too much to me. The more I try to move on, the less sleep I get. The more dreams I have involving you, both the highs and the lows. My deja vu still asks me 'Where is he in this picture?' My body literally won't let you go, and it's fucking terrifying how deep you are under my skin. But that's the thing about love. It's not meant to be easy. If it was, then it wouldn't hurt so fucking bad when things are rough.
We came together when you were low as as you thought you could possibly be, getting off a bad relationship and figuring out how to be alone. You weren't alone, though. You had me. And you kept me until you thought you no longer needed me, replacing me with this girl. You've mishandled me, but the reality of it is.....when you've hit low again, and she's out of the picture, I will be there for you. Just like the first time.
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