Scared

I'm aware I'm scared of change. But that doesn't make me feel better, or instigate bravery.

It's been about 2 weeks since he last called me babe.
It's been exactly 3 weeks since he last said I love your face.
It's been I-don't-know-how-long since he's last instigated a conversation that wasn't around a youtube video or twitter status or tumblr photo.

...it's as if I'm living the song lyric "It's always darkest before the dawn," and I'm terrified that I haven't reached the darkest point yet. I don't even dare discuss this with anyone because I know where the conversation is going to go.

This doesn't look good. And it feels even worse.

...fucking hell.

Waiting for the Final Blow

...and again, the silence falls. Because now when I say I love yo face, it's met with silence. Unless I fill it with another transition to a different topic.

But no more. I don't care if that statement hangs for the rest of the evening. He can stare at it and reflect on why it's so hard for him to say it back to me now.

Fuck it.

Short Musings

What I'd give to hear him say 'I love yo face' again....

There's a small voice in my head that wishes maybe he just hasn't realized it's been over a week since he's said it. But we're not stupid. It's one of the reasons I fell so hard for him.  No.....we're well aware of the dynamics shift. I just wish I knew what it'd take to set things right again so I can hear him say it without restraint...

I love your face.

...And More Silence

I hate silence.

I know, I've said it before and I hate that I have to say it again. I hate silence.

But if there's anything I'm willing to hate more right now, it's the fact that since leaving Albuquerque six days ago, I've had to instigate every Skype and text message conversation. I can put something up on Twitter and most likely get a response, yet you don't have anything to say to me? Even after you finally get your day of glory at work that you've been looking forward to for weeks now? Bullshit.

It might kill me inside to keep quiet, but like fucking hell am I going to continue coming up with things to say when you're around. Because by this point, I'm feeling more like nothing but an annoyance. If you're going to say you miss my face, then you're gonna damn well mean it when you do. And if you're gonna ask why you haven't heard from me in a while, then at least I'll be able to ask when it suddenly became my responsibility to instigate every conversation. We had a good balance going. Now all I want is for you to ask me how my day went.

...No, what I really want is to know if I fucked things up that badly coming down to see you. I want to know if I fucked things up permanently showing you my feelings, or just what I've done to make you quit talking to me. I want to know whether you're just stressed about something and whether I can help with it. I want to know when things will go back to normal.

I hate silence, but I hate insincerity more. I'd rather be alone and depressed than have to beg for attention.....even though I feel so, so fucking alone.

I Love Your Face Too Much

That phrase. It's like a record on repeat in my head.

The sincerity was there, that I could feel. Doesn't matter that you were drunk at the time, it just makes it harder to claim you made that shit up. You said it...Twice. And while this might just be me...I could feel the fear behind it. Of being afraid that everything with us is becoming too real, or that the intensity is unbalanced and will inevitably end up in a world of hurt.

Oh hey, that feeling's mutual. Because I'm afraid that what I'm feeling is far more intense compared to yours, that this is becoming all too real for me. That I'm going to be the one hurt in the end, because the alternative of you getting hurt is far worse.



...then you claim that your biggest issue is that you're always content with being just friends. Nope, not touching that with a 10 foot pole, nope nope nope. Because then 'too much' starts looping in my head again and leaves me feeling like the finale to a rollercoaster.

I just...needed to get that out.

Silence

You haven't heard from me in 30 hours, and the first thing you say is you miss me?

...I would like this a lot more if I had the luxury of ignorance. Had I not known who you were with during the night and exactly what you were doing, because let's reiterate, she's using you as a pawn of desirability and a debilitating crutch. You said it yourself, she has incredible commitment and abandonment issues. But I don't know if I want to face what this says about you.

So yeah, for as long as you go MIA for certain periods of time, and as long as she keeps posting her sex schedule with you on Tumblr, you won't hear from me during those times. You will have to re-initiate contact, because I refuse to play games. And texting you when I know you're fucking someone else...it's too high school for me.

What am I even doing here.

I need an outlet, and this is the only place I've got. And of course, it's concerning a boy, because isn't that the source of most bullshit...and yes, that's a melodramatic statement. But I feel the need to get all of this out somehow, and I've nowhere else to go because he's part of my life in every social network. EVERY. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Google+...everywhere but here, like an old home.

So there's a boy. He says he has a crush on me, he says he loves my face (originated more or less from our mutual obsession with Philip DeFranco), and he makes his interest known on a daily basis. Since talking to him via Skype/text since August or September, there have been all of two days that I didn't hear from him. The most recent time was New Year's Eve, of which the first thing he said to me upon reconnecting was "Miss your face" and an apology, because he was celebrating with friends - as he should. So in all, it's pretty well established that whatever relationship we have is a pretty close one. It's close enough that I've got plans to visit him in March, and he's wanted me to come along to Vidcon in August since tickets became available.

Cue to the past few days. He has a FWB. He's never told me about said relationship, I had to find out about it through said other girl's Tumblr. Why? Because he says nothing about this girl (OG), but she totes about her freelance sex (with him, by name) on a daily basis. The only thing he has said to me outright about her is that she is 1) a crazy feminist, of which she's irritated him about publicly, and 2) mostly harmless. After point 2, he told me that "no matter the competition, you win." Based on her interactions with him otherwise, she has corrected his spelling followed by "Don't hate me. I think you're attractive." I have to get these points across because all of them don't really reflect well on her, or them in general.

.....but then there was last night. It's been 24 hrs since he last contacted me, and I know what he was up to. Because of our few-thousand-mile difference we've never instigated a confirmed or serious relationship, hence the fact that his FWB leaves his single door wide open for dating other people (and is it so bad that I wish that could be me?). And in reality, I'm less worried about trusting him and more worried about what the fuck she has up her sleeve. I'm not stupid - we are not even in a relationship, he has every right to a FWB, and save for recently he's given me no doubts about his interest in me. Where she's called him out by name, he's called me out by name. It's small, but when you're this far apart anything's bigger than it seems.

And yet, it fucking tears me up inside.

I'm an adult, and I can handle this. I just don't know what is going to come out of me if/when he contacts me again. For all I know, it's going to be same as usual, or he'll apologize again, or whatever. And what am I supposed to do, admit that I know about all of this second-hand? That I understand him being in a FWB situation, but hate the fact that he also calls her babe and is able to use her for all of the things we can only talk/joke about? That she's the closest, most effective replacement for what we can't have right now?....I think it's literally giving me back pains.

If only there was a manual for when you're supposedly the "safe" one, because this shit really sucks regardless....I don't even know.