Can't Define What I'm After

Today (meaning Wednesday) was an amazing day. It really was. I don't think I had fallen asleep till 3 AM, but somehow I was pretty well-rested by 9, 9:30 AM. Anyway, I finally urged myself out of bed and finished a paper I was putting off till the last minute. Went to classes, blah blah, then to our Volante meeting at 5:30. That was nice and short, then I ate with my friends. Josh was sneaky and slipped $12 into my pocket, so that was really sweet too. :3 Then we went back to his place, watched The Stepfather, joined in on the ice cream social on 1st floor Norton, and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Probably the biggest highlight was all of the guys' fascination with the size of my boots--they even joked about whether they came in adult sizes. Pays off to be small! Then when we came back to the complex, we hung out at the front desk, then Miranda and I played a couple games of Mancala.

Overall, the night was amazing. But for some reason, I am so physically, mentally, emotionally drained...I know why, but at the same time I don't, and sort of don't want to recognize it. I'm tired of being alone, even though I'm perfectly fine as an independent, single woman, but I have issues when it comes to handling a simple crush.

Long story short, I've given up hope on the whole relationship thing. I don't make a move of any sort till I know for sure they like me back. For any relationship, really. Until the other person recognizes me as their friend, I don't jump to conclusions or anything. Like with Josh, I'm his friend, yet I still don't have his phone number. And with our friend Kevin, I knew him, but waited for what was several weeks before I felt comfortable enough to add him as a friend on Facebook of all places. What was probably my first crush when I entered college is/was this guy Brandon, and we're sort of friends, but he has a girlfriend. So what I end up doing is limiting just about all contact I have with him, when I don't really have a reason to.

Yet I don't really have this problem with girls. At least I don't think I do. I've no clue really....well, in a way I probably do. If I have a crush on someone, I tell NO ONE. If I do, it's usually with someone who has no mutual connection to the guy, or someone especially close to me. Because if I tell someone, then I'm afraid that will build hope.

So...I don't let myself hope. If I do, I start crushing it and don't let it show. I don't do that very often when it comes to academics or careers or such, and when it comes to that it's more like I hope I can get there, but I don't expect myself to--issues with being conceited and all. I can't stand it when I believe that I can do anything, when I know there will be obstacles that will take more to overcome than I'm capable of making when a certain amount of effort is put forth. Long story short, I hate being egotistical. But when it comes to social stuff...damn, I crush those hopes and crush 'em hard.

If I want to be super-lazy about it too, I could just blame it on Jackass. After all, as the ex, he should be the blame for everything...and even though he had asshole ways to manipulate me into thinking he liked me, I don't think it is entirely his fault. Sadly. But despite that, I think back to when I was first asked out, too. Which then reminds me that I had turned down the first guy to ask me out. Why? Because I didn't feel like I really liked him, and that I would be doing it just for the sake of having a boyfriend. Which was not going to be the basis for any of my relationships--I would just take my chances that someday, I will come across someone who I like, and they will happen to like me, too.

(God, that feels weird to be using the word 'like' when I expect so much more out of a serious relationship...but I guess you have to start small. And I can foresee a simple friendship building into something much more...)

And right now, I have this feeling like something's crawling all over my skin and makes me want to both wriggle away, and just lie on my floor and not move at the same time. Which is why I don't think I'm going to talk to Josh again till Monday at the earliest. I feel too fucking close, and it's really...well, scaring me right now.

I think all of this psychoanalysis is why I've lost my motivation to do any homework tonight. I could just do a little reading, then maybe study, but no. I just want to lie on the floor and stay there. Sometimes I like lying on the floor more than a comfy bed or couch. The floor's hard. Makes me think of other things. I don't know, really...maybe just because it's hard.

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around