I don't know whether I should listen to myself or not most times. To put it lightly, I feel like I'm sick and tired of being single. But then the one moment where friends feels a little too much like something different, and I don't want. I don't want at all.
Or as is another case sometimes, I would rather do things with my girlfriends than act as a sit-in girlfriend for one guy.
To put things long story short, yesterday was CA interviews. I think I did all right, even though I feel like I might have done better. Other people have said I didn't do bad, so that helps...but there were other kids who were much more impressive. And I don't think I have much of a chance of ending up in Beede Hall if they don't put me on the Honors floor...bah, who knows were I'll end up, really.
However, after my individual interview, I ran into Mike (Josh's co-CA) sitting with my long-lost neighbor Brandon. Brandon! My good friend Nicole's older brother. So I ended up sitting with them talking, which was pretty fun. But now....now Mike wants to hang out. And not like "Hey, we should hang out sometime," but as in "Hey, are you free tomorrow?"
Hey, fun, but holy FUCK. Don't you think that's a little soon? Not to mention I've got homework, meetings, etc etc....I'm a busy girl. Really busy. And even though I like my down time, I prefer my down time to be alone. And it wasn't just a one-time try, he's really serious about hanging out. And I, well....I'm not a hanging out type of girl. Yes, I'll do it with other girls, but not with guys. With the exception of Jacob and Andrew. Jacob is missing about half of the rational side of his brain, and Andrew likes True Blood. I can't say anything bad about a guy who has a bottle of Tru Blood sitting in his room!!
Mike's a nice guy, he really is. He plays the guitar, he's in track, and his hair is pretty nice....but I'm just not one to say YES SIGN ME UP! for whatever.
Dating or no dating, I don't want. I'm surprised I would say no to dating right now, but I am. I have so many new opportunities right now, what with Spring Rush starting tomorrow (yay Alpha Xi Delta!), joining the honors societies (ALD/PES), and now applying to be a CA. And with still being on the newspaper, Honors Association, and a shit ton of homework, I don't really have the time to fit in a random bout of hanging out, much less a date.
And I'm horrible at saying no. I can do it, but I hate myself afterwards for it. Even if it's what I want.
I don't even care what the repercussions may be. I may be single for another whole school year or something like that, but I don't really care. I can deal, and I have more pressing matters. Like figuring out how to actually do well in my Honors Ideas in History class. :/
But despite that setback, yesterday was really awesome. I cheered on Alex as he played for a Wii in a Wii Boxing tournament that the CAs held. My individual went pretty well, and I think it helped that I had our hall director Dan as one of the interviewers. He told the other guy (I think they call him Trapper) that he liked me more, which was why he gave me a cinnamon roll a couple weeks ago rather than the other interviewer. I felt special. :D
Not to mention that at the group interviews, our group leader was Dillon. He's really an awesome guy. After when I got back to the North Complex, he was at the front desk with my current male CA Brett. Dillon asked if I was going to be his co-CA next year. Which led to jokes about how I'm the same size as his current co-CA, and how I have big shoes to fill (haha, I have small feet. :P ) and how they could actually probably just leave the clothes in the closet, I'd fit in them. Brett said he'll most likely be staying on 2nd Beede though, so that would be cool being a CA with him if they put me on the Honors floor (like they're supposed to!). Well, unless they decide Laurel's a better fit. But I hope they choose me. :3
Gah. Yesterday was too much testosterone and adrenaline for me, I think. Today I've got some hardcore writing to do before midnight, but first is Alice in Wonderland. Road trip to Yankton!
Showing posts with label frustrated. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustrated. Show all posts
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Professors & One's Shitty Spelling.
I really don't think I can take a professor seriously when they mean to write 'punctuation' on the board, but write 'punction' instead. And then, the professor goes on to grade my first graded assignment, he circles a bunch of shit, with the occasional question mark next to it. In class, he says that those are grammar/punctuation things, but doesn't really grade on that. When I talk to him after class, he loosely says they're superfluous.
In my opinion, if you're going to write ANYTHING on a student's paper, it had better be something worth looking at.
Yes, I'm more than a little pissed at this professor. He's a philosophy professor, not an English professor. Then if that's the case, why is he criticizing us on our English? Goddamnit.... I'm glad I didn't do so bad on substance, and I was moderately all right on development (even though I'll probably want to elaborate on that, too). But really, why are my lowest scores organization and clarity? He doesn't say a word on where I went wrong on either account. So how the fuck am I supposed to improve on my paper when I have so little to go on? Even Jean got more comments on her goddamn paper, and she got a B-. I got a fucking C+. I want some fucking directions here! >:O
That's all the more I'm saying on the situation. I know some of the criticisms were right, but that was because they were actually helpful. Everything else is asking rhetorical questions that don't even deserve an answer because they're in the stupid paper.
I ask you, is happiness an emotion? Not simply an emotion, but is happiness, or at least the term happy, a part of its definition in today's society? Because from what I understand from the dictionary, happy is a feeling. Happiness is the state or quality of being happy. However, grammatically, a writer sounds entirely retarded if they say 'Happy is an emotion'. Fuckin' A....I'm going to go kick something, then do some reading, then sleep. :/
In my opinion, if you're going to write ANYTHING on a student's paper, it had better be something worth looking at.
Yes, I'm more than a little pissed at this professor. He's a philosophy professor, not an English professor. Then if that's the case, why is he criticizing us on our English? Goddamnit.... I'm glad I didn't do so bad on substance, and I was moderately all right on development (even though I'll probably want to elaborate on that, too). But really, why are my lowest scores organization and clarity? He doesn't say a word on where I went wrong on either account. So how the fuck am I supposed to improve on my paper when I have so little to go on? Even Jean got more comments on her goddamn paper, and she got a B-. I got a fucking C+. I want some fucking directions here! >:O
That's all the more I'm saying on the situation. I know some of the criticisms were right, but that was because they were actually helpful. Everything else is asking rhetorical questions that don't even deserve an answer because they're in the stupid paper.
I ask you, is happiness an emotion? Not simply an emotion, but is happiness, or at least the term happy, a part of its definition in today's society? Because from what I understand from the dictionary, happy is a feeling. Happiness is the state or quality of being happy. However, grammatically, a writer sounds entirely retarded if they say 'Happy is an emotion'. Fuckin' A....I'm going to go kick something, then do some reading, then sleep. :/
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Can't Define What I'm After
Today (meaning Wednesday) was an amazing day. It really was. I don't think I had fallen asleep till 3 AM, but somehow I was pretty well-rested by 9, 9:30 AM. Anyway, I finally urged myself out of bed and finished a paper I was putting off till the last minute. Went to classes, blah blah, then to our Volante meeting at 5:30. That was nice and short, then I ate with my friends. Josh was sneaky and slipped $12 into my pocket, so that was really sweet too. :3 Then we went back to his place, watched The Stepfather, joined in on the ice cream social on 1st floor Norton, and enjoyed myself thoroughly. Probably the biggest highlight was all of the guys' fascination with the size of my boots--they even joked about whether they came in adult sizes. Pays off to be small! Then when we came back to the complex, we hung out at the front desk, then Miranda and I played a couple games of Mancala.
Overall, the night was amazing. But for some reason, I am so physically, mentally, emotionally drained...I know why, but at the same time I don't, and sort of don't want to recognize it. I'm tired of being alone, even though I'm perfectly fine as an independent, single woman, but I have issues when it comes to handling a simple crush.
Long story short, I've given up hope on the whole relationship thing. I don't make a move of any sort till I know for sure they like me back. For any relationship, really. Until the other person recognizes me as their friend, I don't jump to conclusions or anything. Like with Josh, I'm his friend, yet I still don't have his phone number. And with our friend Kevin, I knew him, but waited for what was several weeks before I felt comfortable enough to add him as a friend on Facebook of all places. What was probably my first crush when I entered college is/was this guy Brandon, and we're sort of friends, but he has a girlfriend. So what I end up doing is limiting just about all contact I have with him, when I don't really have a reason to.
Yet I don't really have this problem with girls. At least I don't think I do. I've no clue really....well, in a way I probably do. If I have a crush on someone, I tell NO ONE. If I do, it's usually with someone who has no mutual connection to the guy, or someone especially close to me. Because if I tell someone, then I'm afraid that will build hope.
So...I don't let myself hope. If I do, I start crushing it and don't let it show. I don't do that very often when it comes to academics or careers or such, and when it comes to that it's more like I hope I can get there, but I don't expect myself to--issues with being conceited and all. I can't stand it when I believe that I can do anything, when I know there will be obstacles that will take more to overcome than I'm capable of making when a certain amount of effort is put forth. Long story short, I hate being egotistical. But when it comes to social stuff...damn, I crush those hopes and crush 'em hard.
If I want to be super-lazy about it too, I could just blame it on Jackass. After all, as the ex, he should be the blame for everything...and even though he had asshole ways to manipulate me into thinking he liked me, I don't think it is entirely his fault. Sadly. But despite that, I think back to when I was first asked out, too. Which then reminds me that I had turned down the first guy to ask me out. Why? Because I didn't feel like I really liked him, and that I would be doing it just for the sake of having a boyfriend. Which was not going to be the basis for any of my relationships--I would just take my chances that someday, I will come across someone who I like, and they will happen to like me, too.
(God, that feels weird to be using the word 'like' when I expect so much more out of a serious relationship...but I guess you have to start small. And I can foresee a simple friendship building into something much more...)
And right now, I have this feeling like something's crawling all over my skin and makes me want to both wriggle away, and just lie on my floor and not move at the same time. Which is why I don't think I'm going to talk to Josh again till Monday at the earliest. I feel too fucking close, and it's really...well, scaring me right now.
I think all of this psychoanalysis is why I've lost my motivation to do any homework tonight. I could just do a little reading, then maybe study, but no. I just want to lie on the floor and stay there. Sometimes I like lying on the floor more than a comfy bed or couch. The floor's hard. Makes me think of other things. I don't know, really...maybe just because it's hard.
Overall, the night was amazing. But for some reason, I am so physically, mentally, emotionally drained...I know why, but at the same time I don't, and sort of don't want to recognize it. I'm tired of being alone, even though I'm perfectly fine as an independent, single woman, but I have issues when it comes to handling a simple crush.
Long story short, I've given up hope on the whole relationship thing. I don't make a move of any sort till I know for sure they like me back. For any relationship, really. Until the other person recognizes me as their friend, I don't jump to conclusions or anything. Like with Josh, I'm his friend, yet I still don't have his phone number. And with our friend Kevin, I knew him, but waited for what was several weeks before I felt comfortable enough to add him as a friend on Facebook of all places. What was probably my first crush when I entered college is/was this guy Brandon, and we're sort of friends, but he has a girlfriend. So what I end up doing is limiting just about all contact I have with him, when I don't really have a reason to.
Yet I don't really have this problem with girls. At least I don't think I do. I've no clue really....well, in a way I probably do. If I have a crush on someone, I tell NO ONE. If I do, it's usually with someone who has no mutual connection to the guy, or someone especially close to me. Because if I tell someone, then I'm afraid that will build hope.
So...I don't let myself hope. If I do, I start crushing it and don't let it show. I don't do that very often when it comes to academics or careers or such, and when it comes to that it's more like I hope I can get there, but I don't expect myself to--issues with being conceited and all. I can't stand it when I believe that I can do anything, when I know there will be obstacles that will take more to overcome than I'm capable of making when a certain amount of effort is put forth. Long story short, I hate being egotistical. But when it comes to social stuff...damn, I crush those hopes and crush 'em hard.
If I want to be super-lazy about it too, I could just blame it on Jackass. After all, as the ex, he should be the blame for everything...and even though he had asshole ways to manipulate me into thinking he liked me, I don't think it is entirely his fault. Sadly. But despite that, I think back to when I was first asked out, too. Which then reminds me that I had turned down the first guy to ask me out. Why? Because I didn't feel like I really liked him, and that I would be doing it just for the sake of having a boyfriend. Which was not going to be the basis for any of my relationships--I would just take my chances that someday, I will come across someone who I like, and they will happen to like me, too.
(God, that feels weird to be using the word 'like' when I expect so much more out of a serious relationship...but I guess you have to start small. And I can foresee a simple friendship building into something much more...)
And right now, I have this feeling like something's crawling all over my skin and makes me want to both wriggle away, and just lie on my floor and not move at the same time. Which is why I don't think I'm going to talk to Josh again till Monday at the earliest. I feel too fucking close, and it's really...well, scaring me right now.
I think all of this psychoanalysis is why I've lost my motivation to do any homework tonight. I could just do a little reading, then maybe study, but no. I just want to lie on the floor and stay there. Sometimes I like lying on the floor more than a comfy bed or couch. The floor's hard. Makes me think of other things. I don't know, really...maybe just because it's hard.
In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you
Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you
But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around
Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around
How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around
Monday, December 14, 2009
Over Before It Even Began...
I hate being the good person. Not all the time, but most of the time. I can't just tell Skye that I hate it she got her CA position and won't be my roommate anymore. It's just plain mean, but at the same time, it's tearing me up inside that she won't be my roommate after all. We were both looking forward to it so much, but when money gets thrown in the mix....gah. I can't be mad at her for choosing it, hell I would hate to have to make the decision for her. But still...
I don't think any Monday has brought good news. Last week, Mollie had her laptop stolen. Fuckin' A, that sucked. And now this news, this sucks too.
Do I like having this room to myself? Hell yes. But it's not worth $600 for it. And I don't want them to try so fucking hard to room me with someone. So I'm so confused and indecisive right now....
It would be cool to room with Mariah, but we have such different sleep schedules that I'm afraid I'd end up waking her up all the time. It would be cool to room with Sarah too, but I don't know her all that well personally....then again, she's so sweet, and I think if I have the attitude that I should be more accommodating, I would be. This first semester, I was so annoyed by Keather that I wanted to make sure she knew I lived here, too. But if I roomed with Sarah, it wouldn't be nearly as bad. I know she won't go out and drink, and she has the Honors attitude even if she doesn't get in...I think she would fit in pretty well.
I would just hate to turn into the megabitch again and freak on anyone. Because I know it would happen when I'm stressed about something. :/
I don't think any Monday has brought good news. Last week, Mollie had her laptop stolen. Fuckin' A, that sucked. And now this news, this sucks too.
Do I like having this room to myself? Hell yes. But it's not worth $600 for it. And I don't want them to try so fucking hard to room me with someone. So I'm so confused and indecisive right now....
It would be cool to room with Mariah, but we have such different sleep schedules that I'm afraid I'd end up waking her up all the time. It would be cool to room with Sarah too, but I don't know her all that well personally....then again, she's so sweet, and I think if I have the attitude that I should be more accommodating, I would be. This first semester, I was so annoyed by Keather that I wanted to make sure she knew I lived here, too. But if I roomed with Sarah, it wouldn't be nearly as bad. I know she won't go out and drink, and she has the Honors attitude even if she doesn't get in...I think she would fit in pretty well.
I would just hate to turn into the megabitch again and freak on anyone. Because I know it would happen when I'm stressed about something. :/
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Too Much
I don't want to go back to college quite yet.
Thanksgiving was so nice, it really was. Not as many relatives there as I would've wanted, but that's what happens when the cousins get married and start having to share holidays with the in-laws. :P Then I got to spend a lot of time with my family, do some shopping, ahh...it was amazing. I even ran into Kayla & Katie at Target the other day!
And now, I have to face reality again in a couple hours. I have a speech tomorrow morning at 9 AM that I'm so not prepared for. Even less prepared than I was for my informative speech.
On top of that first hurdle, we have exactly a week to prepare for a group presentation in speech, plus a group presentation in survey of business a couple days later. In those short few days, I also have a student advisory board meeting, AND an honors association meeting. Shit, now I know why I hate finals.
Speaking of which, I also have a final paper for mass comm on the 11th and a final test in rock & roll appreciation on the 10th. FML.
I'm going to be one BA bitch the next two and a half weeks.
Thanksgiving was so nice, it really was. Not as many relatives there as I would've wanted, but that's what happens when the cousins get married and start having to share holidays with the in-laws. :P Then I got to spend a lot of time with my family, do some shopping, ahh...it was amazing. I even ran into Kayla & Katie at Target the other day!
And now, I have to face reality again in a couple hours. I have a speech tomorrow morning at 9 AM that I'm so not prepared for. Even less prepared than I was for my informative speech.
On top of that first hurdle, we have exactly a week to prepare for a group presentation in speech, plus a group presentation in survey of business a couple days later. In those short few days, I also have a student advisory board meeting, AND an honors association meeting. Shit, now I know why I hate finals.
Speaking of which, I also have a final paper for mass comm on the 11th and a final test in rock & roll appreciation on the 10th. FML.
I'm going to be one BA bitch the next two and a half weeks.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell
I've been stressed beyond belief the past few days, it's crazy. Honestly, usually I can handle a test or two at a time.
Monday, I had three.
Wasn't supposed to have three, originally it would have been just one--Mass Comm. But the speech midterm was moved from Wednesday to Monday, and my Calc test was moved from Friday to Monday also. Plus, on top of these three tests, I had a Survey of Business test today. Holy shit, I've never been happier to not have a test coming up...
So, let's start with that. Sunday night, I spent the night studying with Jean for our speech midterm. It was quite enjoyable, even though I was up till 1 studying with them. Monday was freaking test day, so I tried to study quick before class started, then took the test. Wow, I'm really hoping I did all right on that multiple choice portion, because that essay part killed me...afterward, I studied for Calc. Barely finished that on time, and the last problem was a big struggle (primarily how to label it). Don't know why, but ah well. I just hope I did well on that test, too. Afterwards I ate quick, went to Honors Experience and talked a bunch, then had the mass comm test. That wasn't so bad, but it was definitely more difficult. I'd say it's because I had so little time to study for it, that really sucked. But I survived, and that's all that really matters. :P
Monday night, we had a Quiz Bowl against 2nd Olson, and that was amazing! Ryan was there too, which really made it all the more fun. And in the end, 2nd Beede won it. No surprise there I'd say! :) Later, I went to the Honors Association meeting with Jean and Jordan and brought my Apples to Apples game along. It was really awesome, not gonna lie! And it was a great way to wind down after the stressful day, even though it basically made my headache worse from all the laughing. Damn, that game is brilliant...Then I ended up studying with Jean again for Business, and Jordan there as an aside. Somehow, our study sessions don't turn out that way, and Jean usually ends up on some funky website like FML and starts reading them....but anyway. Note, I didn't get to go to bed till 1:45 because of this test now.
Technically Tuesday morning 5 IN THE FUCKING MORNING. I'm sleeping, and all of a sudden I hear loud voices and the lights in our room turn on. WHAM, I'm awake, Keather's barging in with some 4 or 5 other people, and they're all talking and ushering Keather into the room. I smelled something when they walked in, and the best guess I had while half-asleep and completely dazed is that it was alcohol, and that they had been drinking. One of them had the nerve to ask how the Quiz Bowl went, because they had the signs still taped to the floor. Then the others ALSO had the nerve to tell me to make sure she made it into her loft all right--yet another reason why I'm convinced she was drinking last night.
I. Was. Pissed beyond fuck. And I still am. Honestly, 5 in the goddamn morning is ridiculous. And to make that much noise? More than a little rude, ESPECIALLY when I have a test that day. On top of that, I also had THREE FUCKING TESTS that previous day, and I was tired as fuck. I am so beyond pissed that I hope she read my status and saw how insulted I was. My God, I'm still fuming about it, and if it does happen again, I'm reporting to Cat and Brett about it. I don't mind if she's out late at night, but NOT when it means bringing a group of kids to our room making that much noise and TURNING THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON!
........
All right, I think I've calmed down a bit. Despite the LACK OF SLEEP I GOT LAST NIGHT...*ahem*....I think I did all right on the Business test. I'm nervous to see how I did though, the only paper and test we've done in the class, and I didn't do so hot on both of them. Ahh well. Now it's a wait for our Rock & Roll test, and I'm hoping I did well there, too. There were a few questions I knew I missed...so I'm just interested.
Anyway, it's now Tuesday night, and I'm watching season 2 of Monk with Andrew and Jacob. It's pretty awesome. But every once in a while, as the stress mounts and classes go on...the weeks drag on...I start losing hope little by little.
It's like, I've started to question why I'm in Honors...I'm not doing as well in my classes as I'd like to, at least that's how I feel. Especially as an Honors student, where we're supposed to be getting As and Bs, and I feel like I'm struggling just to get a B in all of my classes....I'm questioning whether I've made the friends I've made. Do I want to go party constantly? No. Do I desperately need the first guy I come across as a boyfriend? No. But would I like to have that guy I can rely on when I feel lonely?.....well, yeah. And there are guys I'm interested in--the guy who sits on the other end of our row in Mass Comm for one. Damn is he hot....but I'm almost certain he's 1) an upperclassman and 2) already taken and 3) so fucking out of my league that it's ridiculous. I could only wish I had a shot at him. Meanwhile, I spend the majority of my time hanging with guys who are already taken, aka Jacob and Chris. FML.
I've liked almost every person I've met here on campus. It's just that all the really great ones are already taken. I'm not complaining though, not too much.
It just feels like there's a moment or two where I wish there was someone I could really confide in. I have Chantel, yes, but she's also Keather's friend, and knowing those two they've probably already discussed my status. What I really need is....peace. A moment where I have no shit to do, where I might be able to read a book for fun for once.
I want to go home. Just for a few. I can't wait for the weekend, and it's only Tuesday. Fuck... :/
What I could really use is a night where I'm not woken up at 5 in the fucking morning. Now that'd be nice.
Monday, I had three.
Wasn't supposed to have three, originally it would have been just one--Mass Comm. But the speech midterm was moved from Wednesday to Monday, and my Calc test was moved from Friday to Monday also. Plus, on top of these three tests, I had a Survey of Business test today. Holy shit, I've never been happier to not have a test coming up...
So, let's start with that. Sunday night, I spent the night studying with Jean for our speech midterm. It was quite enjoyable, even though I was up till 1 studying with them. Monday was freaking test day, so I tried to study quick before class started, then took the test. Wow, I'm really hoping I did all right on that multiple choice portion, because that essay part killed me...afterward, I studied for Calc. Barely finished that on time, and the last problem was a big struggle (primarily how to label it). Don't know why, but ah well. I just hope I did well on that test, too. Afterwards I ate quick, went to Honors Experience and talked a bunch, then had the mass comm test. That wasn't so bad, but it was definitely more difficult. I'd say it's because I had so little time to study for it, that really sucked. But I survived, and that's all that really matters. :P
Monday night, we had a Quiz Bowl against 2nd Olson, and that was amazing! Ryan was there too, which really made it all the more fun. And in the end, 2nd Beede won it. No surprise there I'd say! :) Later, I went to the Honors Association meeting with Jean and Jordan and brought my Apples to Apples game along. It was really awesome, not gonna lie! And it was a great way to wind down after the stressful day, even though it basically made my headache worse from all the laughing. Damn, that game is brilliant...Then I ended up studying with Jean again for Business, and Jordan there as an aside. Somehow, our study sessions don't turn out that way, and Jean usually ends up on some funky website like FML and starts reading them....but anyway. Note, I didn't get to go to bed till 1:45 because of this test now.
Technically Tuesday morning 5 IN THE FUCKING MORNING. I'm sleeping, and all of a sudden I hear loud voices and the lights in our room turn on. WHAM, I'm awake, Keather's barging in with some 4 or 5 other people, and they're all talking and ushering Keather into the room. I smelled something when they walked in, and the best guess I had while half-asleep and completely dazed is that it was alcohol, and that they had been drinking. One of them had the nerve to ask how the Quiz Bowl went, because they had the signs still taped to the floor. Then the others ALSO had the nerve to tell me to make sure she made it into her loft all right--yet another reason why I'm convinced she was drinking last night.
I. Was. Pissed beyond fuck. And I still am. Honestly, 5 in the goddamn morning is ridiculous. And to make that much noise? More than a little rude, ESPECIALLY when I have a test that day. On top of that, I also had THREE FUCKING TESTS that previous day, and I was tired as fuck. I am so beyond pissed that I hope she read my status and saw how insulted I was. My God, I'm still fuming about it, and if it does happen again, I'm reporting to Cat and Brett about it. I don't mind if she's out late at night, but NOT when it means bringing a group of kids to our room making that much noise and TURNING THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON!
........
All right, I think I've calmed down a bit. Despite the LACK OF SLEEP I GOT LAST NIGHT...*ahem*....I think I did all right on the Business test. I'm nervous to see how I did though, the only paper and test we've done in the class, and I didn't do so hot on both of them. Ahh well. Now it's a wait for our Rock & Roll test, and I'm hoping I did well there, too. There were a few questions I knew I missed...so I'm just interested.
Anyway, it's now Tuesday night, and I'm watching season 2 of Monk with Andrew and Jacob. It's pretty awesome. But every once in a while, as the stress mounts and classes go on...the weeks drag on...I start losing hope little by little.
It's like, I've started to question why I'm in Honors...I'm not doing as well in my classes as I'd like to, at least that's how I feel. Especially as an Honors student, where we're supposed to be getting As and Bs, and I feel like I'm struggling just to get a B in all of my classes....I'm questioning whether I've made the friends I've made. Do I want to go party constantly? No. Do I desperately need the first guy I come across as a boyfriend? No. But would I like to have that guy I can rely on when I feel lonely?.....well, yeah. And there are guys I'm interested in--the guy who sits on the other end of our row in Mass Comm for one. Damn is he hot....but I'm almost certain he's 1) an upperclassman and 2) already taken and 3) so fucking out of my league that it's ridiculous. I could only wish I had a shot at him. Meanwhile, I spend the majority of my time hanging with guys who are already taken, aka Jacob and Chris. FML.
I've liked almost every person I've met here on campus. It's just that all the really great ones are already taken. I'm not complaining though, not too much.
It just feels like there's a moment or two where I wish there was someone I could really confide in. I have Chantel, yes, but she's also Keather's friend, and knowing those two they've probably already discussed my status. What I really need is....peace. A moment where I have no shit to do, where I might be able to read a book for fun for once.
I want to go home. Just for a few. I can't wait for the weekend, and it's only Tuesday. Fuck... :/
What I could really use is a night where I'm not woken up at 5 in the fucking morning. Now that'd be nice.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Please, Let This Be The Last Time....
Really, I'm sick and tired of chasing my tail.
All right, Jackass. How many times have we had to have this goddamn conversation...Every comment I make to you is not a personal attack. All I said was that 5 months is damn short in the long scheme of things. That was fucking UNCALLED FOR when you insinuated that our relationship was shorter than how long you've been dating my cousin.
You actually think that I don't know how hard it is to maintain a long-distance relationship? Fuck that, it's hard to keep ANY relationship going over a long distance, whether it be friends, family or significant others. It does not matter what type it is, it is hard. And just because you have moved around a ton growing up doesn't mean it's more difficult for you than it is for anyone else. Has it ever occurred to you that there are other people on the other side of the spectrum? Has it ever occurred to you that it's just as hard for those you're leaving behind? I've been left behind by MANY friends, and I can promise you it's no different. Trying to maintain that long-distance friendship is no fucking different than trying to keep up a serious relationship with a girlfriend or boyfriend. And I've been able to maintain long-distance friendships, friendships with people I haven't even officially met yet. Want to tell me that it's not the same? Fuck you, asshole, someday you need to try it the other way around for once, then we'll see what you think.
You actually had the gall to tell me to get over the fact that you're dating my cousin? You say you had NO clue, not a fucking clue, but you did. The first time you ever met her, I told you I was related to her. You knew that in the back of your mind as you asked her out. Can I believe you didn't ask her out as a personal vendetta against me? Sure, even though it's so much easier to think you did. But to tell me to get over the fact that I'm related to her is just stupid. How about you stop referring to her as your girlfriend, does that make any more sense than what you're asking for? No, it doesn't.
You constantly compare our relationship to the present, and you might as well slap me across the face. Thanks for admitting now that you didn't have the balls to tell me the truth as to why you wouldn't break up with me in the past, that's great. No really, it is a small comfort...because at least then, you're admitting that yes, you couldn't fess up to how you really felt. Was it completely, totally wrong for you to string me along for those last two months, giving me the impression that you still loved me when you didn't? Yes, and frankly you should burn in hell for that. But honestly.....if I'm to be your friend, as you so called me, why can't you be honest with me? And if you can't be honest with me, are you honest with anyone else you call a friend? I know you aren't with Aaron Mead, so who else have you fucked with to get your way? Because I can't be the only one who refuses to accept the shit you try to pull on me.
God, I really shouldn't try to inform the incompetent....It's like, I can explain myself over and over and over again, but it never gets anywhere. I can't begin to count how often I told him I don't appreciate how he's treated me these past months, and even though he apologizes, albeit also metaphorically stomping away from the argument like a cranky toddler saying he'll never speak to me again, he still hasn't learned how easy it is for him to go back to treating me like shit. And I won't tolerate it.
Like how I won't tolerate him treating me like shit, yet continues to refer to me as a friend. Because if that's how he treats his friends.... :/
However, why not record this for further investigation...Background info, referring as to whether 5 months is a long relationship or not.
Jackass: You can't call it short when we ourselves didn't last that long :p
Me: Duh I know, but I'm not retarded, I wasn't going to call you out on it over a goddamn status comment.
And yes, I can call it short. One of my closest friends who graduated with me in May has been dating the same guy for over 4 and a half years. That is long, that takes commitment. My uncle has been dating the same woman for over 5 years now, that is long. My cousin was engaged to the same woman for 10 years before they finally got married in 2006, that was VERY long.
Just because I'm not dating, doesn't mean I haven't learned from others. :/
Jackass: short for one person is different for another. and based on the other two relationships i've had, which were both short for a reason, this is pretty long. especially at 1000 miles away. so i really think you have no room to talk.
Me: And if that's what you're basing it on, it's pretty shaky. 5 months--2 months longer than I, and 1 of those months as you said, 1000 miles away. Yeah, really impressive.
You say I have no room to talk, but that's your opinion. If you can't respect what I have to say, that's your problem. But at least I can respect the fact that you've been trying to make a long-distance relationship work with my cousin of all people, when you told me that you couldn't handle a long-distance relationship in the past. I'm sorry for even trying to tease you about it, but frankly, comparing our relationship to what you have now is a low blow.
Jackass: which is still that much longer than you. And you have no idea how hard a long distance is.
what's keni being your cousin got to do with it? It's not like i went out to find a person to date just to piss you off. And i'm definitely not dating a person in your family to piss you off either. I seriously had no idea she was even REMOTELY related to you. I wasn't even looking for someone to date either. At all. So get over the fact that Keni's your second cousin or whatever.
And don't you realize that I didn't wanna do a long distance with you for a reason, Darcy? I didn't have the guts to tell you at the time, but I do now. I didn't wanna do it because I wanted to break up with you there. Wrestling did have something to do with it, but the main reason was because I rushed into the relationship, and you weren't the same person I thought you were. And the person you actually are I can't see myself dating. It's just me. Friends, yes, dating, not so much.
Me: Wy, you're telling me to get over the wrong thing. Can I get over thinking that you had a vendetta against me? Yes I can, and I have. But get over the fact that she's my cousin? Forget it. And if it's not an issue with you, then you shouldn't be telling me to deny someone as family--it's like me telling you to stop referring to her as your girlfriend. Not gonna happen.
And thanks for telling me that you didn't have a pair while dating me. If we want an interesting conversation, why not tell me who you thought I was. And no, I'm not talking about how you thought I was Murphy. And no again, I won't get upset at whatever your answer is, really.
But as a friend, I did deserve the truth...and I still do. Whatever the reason, it's something I obviously didn't get from you. Is it ever too late to tell the truth, no. But you told me you didn't regret us, wouldn't have changed it for anything, and I don't know whether I should believe it or not...especially when you continuously compare our past to the present. Like I was so insignificant, a bad mistake. So if I really am a friend, start treating me like one, please.
Jackass: #1. No vendetta against you. #2. She's so distantly related to you i don't see why it matters that I'm even dating her. It's like you hated it from the start.
I don't regret that i ever dated you. I learned from it. I became who I am now because of it. It's just a section of my life I am not apt to have the best feelings for. I just changed from then, and there were things then I didn't like, and those things shaped me to who I am now.
I thought you were the person who I wanted you to be. Not who you actually were. Whom I figured out later, and I didn't agree with who you were, which is why I broke up with you.
Me: #1. She's close enough I can trace the family tree. She's in fact the same distance as Ryan Hall is to me, and he calls me cous. Are you going to tell me that Ryan's an idiot for calling me his cous? No, it's just "different" because Keni doesn't know, or just won't say it.
Who you are now? Who you are now has been an asshole to me, especially when you first started dating Keni. And now, you used the short timespan as a weapon to publicly humiliate me--even if 80% didn't know what you were talking about. You say I'm a friend, yet you rarely if ever talk to me. More than likely, you've even gotten me hidden on your news feed so that you don't have to see anything I say or do.
Vagueness is being vague. I get it, you can't make someone into who you want them to be, and I appreciate it that you wouldn't go so far as to try and change who I was. That's still not telling me who I am...or who I was, as you put it.
Jackass: Oh Keni knows you and her are related. Trust me. I've told her. She accepted that fact long, long ago. I just don't see why it should matter that she's related to you and I'm dating her. Those two things seems totally irrelevant to each other. That's the topic i was trying to explain to you.
Darcy, I'm someone you'll never understand. So don't even try.
I thought we had common interests. I thought that's who you were. I thought you would be a person I would enjoy hanging out with. You were, until I figured out that we had basically nothing in common.
Me: Wy, I know you aren't close with most of your extended family, but I am. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd accept the fact that I value family. Especially because my family, and those who may be great-aunts, cousins, etc, are much closer than you'll ever understand.
And speaking of understanding, why do you even try to pretend that you understand me? You're also the one insinuating that I care who you're dating, when I've never said that. Sure, it's funny to watch others' reactions when I say my ex is dating my cousin, but you're exactly that--my ex. And when I'm finally treated like a friend rather than an insignificant past, then I can say that my friends are dating.
But thanks for going into more detail there...I guess. You're still using the word were in there, and you sort of imply that you didn't enjoy hanging out with me just because we didn't have much in common, but whatevs...
Jackass: Please don't call me Wy. Makes me feel uncomfortable.
And that still doesn't answer the question of why you don't like Keni and I dating. And I am close with the two cousins I actually have contact with, Sara and Alec.
I don't even care if I understand you or not, Darcy.
And i didn't "sort of" imply. I DID imply that. Once I found out we didn't have much in common, fun started to vanish. Because I want to hang out with people who want to do the same stuff I do. I want to be able to relate to those people. Share the same feelings and attitudes with them. I couldn't do that with you.
Me: Well it's pretty damn hard to answer why I "don't like it" when I don't actually give a damn. Never have I said "I don't like you two dating", it's just what you automatically assume. Has it ever occurred to you that I might have disliked the circumstances more than who she is? No, it clearly hasn't, which is why you have no room to talk when it comes to what I think.
If you don't care, then stop trying.
And I'm sorry you weren't able to accept me for who I was, let alone compromise.
Well, that was a waste of time. But, sometimes seeing what really goes on makes more sense than my endless rambling. :/
I feel really tired now, and kind of sick. God, I hate this...and I had such good news to report. That will have to wait till tomorrow, I guess.
All right, Jackass. How many times have we had to have this goddamn conversation...Every comment I make to you is not a personal attack. All I said was that 5 months is damn short in the long scheme of things. That was fucking UNCALLED FOR when you insinuated that our relationship was shorter than how long you've been dating my cousin.
You actually think that I don't know how hard it is to maintain a long-distance relationship? Fuck that, it's hard to keep ANY relationship going over a long distance, whether it be friends, family or significant others. It does not matter what type it is, it is hard. And just because you have moved around a ton growing up doesn't mean it's more difficult for you than it is for anyone else. Has it ever occurred to you that there are other people on the other side of the spectrum? Has it ever occurred to you that it's just as hard for those you're leaving behind? I've been left behind by MANY friends, and I can promise you it's no different. Trying to maintain that long-distance friendship is no fucking different than trying to keep up a serious relationship with a girlfriend or boyfriend. And I've been able to maintain long-distance friendships, friendships with people I haven't even officially met yet. Want to tell me that it's not the same? Fuck you, asshole, someday you need to try it the other way around for once, then we'll see what you think.
You actually had the gall to tell me to get over the fact that you're dating my cousin? You say you had NO clue, not a fucking clue, but you did. The first time you ever met her, I told you I was related to her. You knew that in the back of your mind as you asked her out. Can I believe you didn't ask her out as a personal vendetta against me? Sure, even though it's so much easier to think you did. But to tell me to get over the fact that I'm related to her is just stupid. How about you stop referring to her as your girlfriend, does that make any more sense than what you're asking for? No, it doesn't.
You constantly compare our relationship to the present, and you might as well slap me across the face. Thanks for admitting now that you didn't have the balls to tell me the truth as to why you wouldn't break up with me in the past, that's great. No really, it is a small comfort...because at least then, you're admitting that yes, you couldn't fess up to how you really felt. Was it completely, totally wrong for you to string me along for those last two months, giving me the impression that you still loved me when you didn't? Yes, and frankly you should burn in hell for that. But honestly.....if I'm to be your friend, as you so called me, why can't you be honest with me? And if you can't be honest with me, are you honest with anyone else you call a friend? I know you aren't with Aaron Mead, so who else have you fucked with to get your way? Because I can't be the only one who refuses to accept the shit you try to pull on me.
God, I really shouldn't try to inform the incompetent....It's like, I can explain myself over and over and over again, but it never gets anywhere. I can't begin to count how often I told him I don't appreciate how he's treated me these past months, and even though he apologizes, albeit also metaphorically stomping away from the argument like a cranky toddler saying he'll never speak to me again, he still hasn't learned how easy it is for him to go back to treating me like shit. And I won't tolerate it.
Like how I won't tolerate him treating me like shit, yet continues to refer to me as a friend. Because if that's how he treats his friends.... :/
However, why not record this for further investigation...Background info, referring as to whether 5 months is a long relationship or not.
Jackass: You can't call it short when we ourselves didn't last that long :p
Me: Duh I know, but I'm not retarded, I wasn't going to call you out on it over a goddamn status comment.
And yes, I can call it short. One of my closest friends who graduated with me in May has been dating the same guy for over 4 and a half years. That is long, that takes commitment. My uncle has been dating the same woman for over 5 years now, that is long. My cousin was engaged to the same woman for 10 years before they finally got married in 2006, that was VERY long.
Just because I'm not dating, doesn't mean I haven't learned from others. :/
Jackass: short for one person is different for another. and based on the other two relationships i've had, which were both short for a reason, this is pretty long. especially at 1000 miles away. so i really think you have no room to talk.
Me: And if that's what you're basing it on, it's pretty shaky. 5 months--2 months longer than I, and 1 of those months as you said, 1000 miles away. Yeah, really impressive.
You say I have no room to talk, but that's your opinion. If you can't respect what I have to say, that's your problem. But at least I can respect the fact that you've been trying to make a long-distance relationship work with my cousin of all people, when you told me that you couldn't handle a long-distance relationship in the past. I'm sorry for even trying to tease you about it, but frankly, comparing our relationship to what you have now is a low blow.
Jackass: which is still that much longer than you. And you have no idea how hard a long distance is.
what's keni being your cousin got to do with it? It's not like i went out to find a person to date just to piss you off. And i'm definitely not dating a person in your family to piss you off either. I seriously had no idea she was even REMOTELY related to you. I wasn't even looking for someone to date either. At all. So get over the fact that Keni's your second cousin or whatever.
And don't you realize that I didn't wanna do a long distance with you for a reason, Darcy? I didn't have the guts to tell you at the time, but I do now. I didn't wanna do it because I wanted to break up with you there. Wrestling did have something to do with it, but the main reason was because I rushed into the relationship, and you weren't the same person I thought you were. And the person you actually are I can't see myself dating. It's just me. Friends, yes, dating, not so much.
Me: Wy, you're telling me to get over the wrong thing. Can I get over thinking that you had a vendetta against me? Yes I can, and I have. But get over the fact that she's my cousin? Forget it. And if it's not an issue with you, then you shouldn't be telling me to deny someone as family--it's like me telling you to stop referring to her as your girlfriend. Not gonna happen.
And thanks for telling me that you didn't have a pair while dating me. If we want an interesting conversation, why not tell me who you thought I was. And no, I'm not talking about how you thought I was Murphy. And no again, I won't get upset at whatever your answer is, really.
But as a friend, I did deserve the truth...and I still do. Whatever the reason, it's something I obviously didn't get from you. Is it ever too late to tell the truth, no. But you told me you didn't regret us, wouldn't have changed it for anything, and I don't know whether I should believe it or not...especially when you continuously compare our past to the present. Like I was so insignificant, a bad mistake. So if I really am a friend, start treating me like one, please.
Jackass: #1. No vendetta against you. #2. She's so distantly related to you i don't see why it matters that I'm even dating her. It's like you hated it from the start.
I don't regret that i ever dated you. I learned from it. I became who I am now because of it. It's just a section of my life I am not apt to have the best feelings for. I just changed from then, and there were things then I didn't like, and those things shaped me to who I am now.
I thought you were the person who I wanted you to be. Not who you actually were. Whom I figured out later, and I didn't agree with who you were, which is why I broke up with you.
Me: #1. She's close enough I can trace the family tree. She's in fact the same distance as Ryan Hall is to me, and he calls me cous. Are you going to tell me that Ryan's an idiot for calling me his cous? No, it's just "different" because Keni doesn't know, or just won't say it.
Who you are now? Who you are now has been an asshole to me, especially when you first started dating Keni. And now, you used the short timespan as a weapon to publicly humiliate me--even if 80% didn't know what you were talking about. You say I'm a friend, yet you rarely if ever talk to me. More than likely, you've even gotten me hidden on your news feed so that you don't have to see anything I say or do.
Vagueness is being vague. I get it, you can't make someone into who you want them to be, and I appreciate it that you wouldn't go so far as to try and change who I was. That's still not telling me who I am...or who I was, as you put it.
Jackass: Oh Keni knows you and her are related. Trust me. I've told her. She accepted that fact long, long ago. I just don't see why it should matter that she's related to you and I'm dating her. Those two things seems totally irrelevant to each other. That's the topic i was trying to explain to you.
Darcy, I'm someone you'll never understand. So don't even try.
I thought we had common interests. I thought that's who you were. I thought you would be a person I would enjoy hanging out with. You were, until I figured out that we had basically nothing in common.
Me: Wy, I know you aren't close with most of your extended family, but I am. And I'd really appreciate it if you'd accept the fact that I value family. Especially because my family, and those who may be great-aunts, cousins, etc, are much closer than you'll ever understand.
And speaking of understanding, why do you even try to pretend that you understand me? You're also the one insinuating that I care who you're dating, when I've never said that. Sure, it's funny to watch others' reactions when I say my ex is dating my cousin, but you're exactly that--my ex. And when I'm finally treated like a friend rather than an insignificant past, then I can say that my friends are dating.
But thanks for going into more detail there...I guess. You're still using the word were in there, and you sort of imply that you didn't enjoy hanging out with me just because we didn't have much in common, but whatevs...
Jackass: Please don't call me Wy. Makes me feel uncomfortable.
And that still doesn't answer the question of why you don't like Keni and I dating. And I am close with the two cousins I actually have contact with, Sara and Alec.
I don't even care if I understand you or not, Darcy.
And i didn't "sort of" imply. I DID imply that. Once I found out we didn't have much in common, fun started to vanish. Because I want to hang out with people who want to do the same stuff I do. I want to be able to relate to those people. Share the same feelings and attitudes with them. I couldn't do that with you.
Me: Well it's pretty damn hard to answer why I "don't like it" when I don't actually give a damn. Never have I said "I don't like you two dating", it's just what you automatically assume. Has it ever occurred to you that I might have disliked the circumstances more than who she is? No, it clearly hasn't, which is why you have no room to talk when it comes to what I think.
If you don't care, then stop trying.
And I'm sorry you weren't able to accept me for who I was, let alone compromise.
Well, that was a waste of time. But, sometimes seeing what really goes on makes more sense than my endless rambling. :/
I feel really tired now, and kind of sick. God, I hate this...and I had such good news to report. That will have to wait till tomorrow, I guess.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
At Least I'm Not Going Crazy.
I'm amazed how spot on I can be. For the longest time, I've had to deal with Jackass's shit. I mean, I knew the shit he's been pulling has been going on for quite a while now, but I guess I never convinced myself that others had noticed--if I spoke up, I thought people would say I was just overreacting, or that's at least what I thought would happen. But today I sort of snapped. I'm sick of it. So I finally went out and called him a smartass (even though I REALLY wanted to call him an asshole), then ended up going to Aaron to cool down and do some venting.
Truthfully, I was fuming so bad I had no idea how to approach him, especially since he's friends with Jackass more than with me. But I finally just went out there and asked him, "This is probably just me, but have you noticed how Wyatt feels compelled to refute anything I say to him?" Well, his response was simple:
"Yes."
And he even added a period to that Yes. That's how I knew just how serious he was about it. But when Aaron of all people, one of the brightest kids I've met, notices the same thing, that's when I know this isn't all in my head.
THEN, I went to Kayla to ask if she's seen the same thing going on. Her answer was also yes! Two people, one of my friends and one of his, have noticed that Jackass is intent on refuting every comment I make. No matter how stupid or silly the response is, he does it EVERY time. And to me, it feels like he's been trying to make me look like an ass for opening my mouth anytime I make a comment.
But, bless Kayla's heart, she told me that it doesn't make me look like an idiot--he's the one looking like an ass in the end. That he is only making his situation worse. Which does make me feel a bit better....and at the same time, two people have noticed this behavior from him. How many others have noticed? Has Erika or Taylor or Macy made the same observations? I've no clue....and I'm a bit scared to ask them.
What saddens me the most though is that SHE is oblivious. She's dating him, why won't she say or do anything? Granted, when I say DO, I mean break up with him--it's what he deserves after all this anyway. He knew she liked him before he ever formed an opinion of how he felt towards her. I still remember when I outright asked him whether or not he liked her. What was his response? "A little bit. You got a problem with that?"
Yes, I do. Because when you just like someone "A little bit," that speaks a whole lot more. And I don't care about how much time has passed since then, it doesn't change what you had said.
I'm just disappointed. She's my cousin, and I had thought she was smarter than this. But apparently, she's as blind as I had been when I was with him. It feels like all is perfect now, but it never lasts. Not with him, at least...He seems amazing now, but it's not who he IS.
Truthfully, I was fuming so bad I had no idea how to approach him, especially since he's friends with Jackass more than with me. But I finally just went out there and asked him, "This is probably just me, but have you noticed how Wyatt feels compelled to refute anything I say to him?" Well, his response was simple:
"Yes."
And he even added a period to that Yes. That's how I knew just how serious he was about it. But when Aaron of all people, one of the brightest kids I've met, notices the same thing, that's when I know this isn't all in my head.
THEN, I went to Kayla to ask if she's seen the same thing going on. Her answer was also yes! Two people, one of my friends and one of his, have noticed that Jackass is intent on refuting every comment I make. No matter how stupid or silly the response is, he does it EVERY time. And to me, it feels like he's been trying to make me look like an ass for opening my mouth anytime I make a comment.
But, bless Kayla's heart, she told me that it doesn't make me look like an idiot--he's the one looking like an ass in the end. That he is only making his situation worse. Which does make me feel a bit better....and at the same time, two people have noticed this behavior from him. How many others have noticed? Has Erika or Taylor or Macy made the same observations? I've no clue....and I'm a bit scared to ask them.
What saddens me the most though is that SHE is oblivious. She's dating him, why won't she say or do anything? Granted, when I say DO, I mean break up with him--it's what he deserves after all this anyway. He knew she liked him before he ever formed an opinion of how he felt towards her. I still remember when I outright asked him whether or not he liked her. What was his response? "A little bit. You got a problem with that?"
Yes, I do. Because when you just like someone "A little bit," that speaks a whole lot more. And I don't care about how much time has passed since then, it doesn't change what you had said.
I'm just disappointed. She's my cousin, and I had thought she was smarter than this. But apparently, she's as blind as I had been when I was with him. It feels like all is perfect now, but it never lasts. Not with him, at least...He seems amazing now, but it's not who he IS.
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