Baby, It's Cold Outside...

No, literally, it's COLD. I'm not a fan of cold. And yet I adore the idea of winter, and Christmastime, and snow. Key word: idea. Christmas I can embrace, but the snow and cold I could do without. But that's what we get with winter.

Speaking of Christmas...my dorm room has a small touch of Christmas! I went Walmart shopping with Sam and Jean, so we got a bunch of garland and lights to decorate. I got some pretty awesome garland to wrap along my bed, but I kind of wish I could just go all-out. Maybe I can get some more soon. Sam's room is amazing though, I helped her decorate it Monday night. Garland along the ceiling, lights along the bed, and even a small Christmas tree under Mollie's bed. Success! Then we listened to Christmas music while we decorated. :3

I also adore Trans-Siberian Orchestra. To the point I really need to stop mentioning them period.

At least this week was not as stressful as I thought it would be, but I think that's because I put everything off till this week. Bad idea, but I'm hoping it works out. I thought I had a column to write this week, but since Heather didn't send me an email about it at all, it's one less thing for me to worry about. And if I do, well then I have an idea that I could probably roll out quick.

I really wish I could just curl up in a corner and read. I've been trying to get through Up in Smoke, but I haven't really had the time. Also, I noticed today that my book is getting kind of worn down--that white line where the book bends often is prominent now, and there's a small tear in the back cover. It makes me cry inside, I love having my books in the best possible shape. Gah...I guess I'll have to combat this OCD moment and get over it. But still, I want to read it, not do all this stupid studying.

So for this next week:

• I have to go back to campus early, by 3 pm Sunday. I'm depressed about it, but we do need to work on this group presentation for speech. Ours is on Friday, which is a definite plus. Downside, I don't like going back so damn early. :/
• Sunday night, I have an Honors Association meeting that I'll most likely forget about at 8. I don't like meetings on Sunday nights either, but as I completely spaced on the Execs Only meeting last week (oh, Adam Lambert, you...) I really should make an effort to come this time around.
• Wednesday is our first Student Advisory Board meeting. Finally, something I have been looking forward to!
• Our Project 4 reports are due Tuesday for Survey of Business, and I'm slowly in the process of editing them. After a couple hours of crying, I got a good portion done (I hope). However, we also need to do the group presentation on Thursday. Speech presentation Friday, this presentation Thursday...thanks spacing those so close.
• Thursday is our Final test in Rock & Roll Appreciation, also. Business presentation at 2 pm, and a Final at 3:30. Great, even more shitty time crunches. :/
• Friday is when our Final papers are due in Mass Comm, too. PLUS our final test in that class. Final test and presentation Thursday, presentation Friday with a Final paper AND last test. I plan on dying during those final days.

As you can see, I should probably be screaming right now. Never have I wished for a Dead Week so badly as I want one now.

All I want to do is put up our Christmas tree here at home. Sigh...

I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell

I've been stressed beyond belief the past few days, it's crazy. Honestly, usually I can handle a test or two at a time.

Monday, I had three.

Wasn't supposed to have three, originally it would have been just one--Mass Comm. But the speech midterm was moved from Wednesday to Monday, and my Calc test was moved from Friday to Monday also. Plus, on top of these three tests, I had a Survey of Business test today. Holy shit, I've never been happier to not have a test coming up...

So, let's start with that. Sunday night, I spent the night studying with Jean for our speech midterm. It was quite enjoyable, even though I was up till 1 studying with them. Monday was freaking test day, so I tried to study quick before class started, then took the test. Wow, I'm really hoping I did all right on that multiple choice portion, because that essay part killed me...afterward, I studied for Calc. Barely finished that on time, and the last problem was a big struggle (primarily how to label it). Don't know why, but ah well. I just hope I did well on that test, too. Afterwards I ate quick, went to Honors Experience and talked a bunch, then had the mass comm test. That wasn't so bad, but it was definitely more difficult. I'd say it's because I had so little time to study for it, that really sucked. But I survived, and that's all that really matters. :P

Monday night, we had a Quiz Bowl against 2nd Olson, and that was amazing! Ryan was there too, which really made it all the more fun. And in the end, 2nd Beede won it. No surprise there I'd say! :) Later, I went to the Honors Association meeting with Jean and Jordan and brought my Apples to Apples game along. It was really awesome, not gonna lie! And it was a great way to wind down after the stressful day, even though it basically made my headache worse from all the laughing. Damn, that game is brilliant...Then I ended up studying with Jean again for Business, and Jordan there as an aside. Somehow, our study sessions don't turn out that way, and Jean usually ends up on some funky website like FML and starts reading them....but anyway. Note, I didn't get to go to bed till 1:45 because of this test now.

Technically Tuesday morning 5 IN THE FUCKING MORNING. I'm sleeping, and all of a sudden I hear loud voices and the lights in our room turn on. WHAM, I'm awake, Keather's barging in with some 4 or 5 other people, and they're all talking and ushering Keather into the room. I smelled something when they walked in, and the best guess I had while half-asleep and completely dazed is that it was alcohol, and that they had been drinking. One of them had the nerve to ask how the Quiz Bowl went, because they had the signs still taped to the floor. Then the others ALSO had the nerve to tell me to make sure she made it into her loft all right--yet another reason why I'm convinced she was drinking last night.

I. Was. Pissed beyond fuck. And I still am. Honestly, 5 in the goddamn morning is ridiculous. And to make that much noise? More than a little rude, ESPECIALLY when I have a test that day. On top of that, I also had THREE FUCKING TESTS that previous day, and I was tired as fuck. I am so beyond pissed that I hope she read my status and saw how insulted I was. My God, I'm still fuming about it, and if it does happen again, I'm reporting to Cat and Brett about it. I don't mind if she's out late at night, but NOT when it means bringing a group of kids to our room making that much noise and TURNING THE FUCKING LIGHTS ON!

........

All right, I think I've calmed down a bit. Despite the LACK OF SLEEP I GOT LAST NIGHT...*ahem*....I think I did all right on the Business test. I'm nervous to see how I did though, the only paper and test we've done in the class, and I didn't do so hot on both of them. Ahh well. Now it's a wait for our Rock & Roll test, and I'm hoping I did well there, too. There were a few questions I knew I missed...so I'm just interested.

Anyway, it's now Tuesday night, and I'm watching season 2 of Monk with Andrew and Jacob. It's pretty awesome. But every once in a while, as the stress mounts and classes go on...the weeks drag on...I start losing hope little by little.

It's like, I've started to question why I'm in Honors...I'm not doing as well in my classes as I'd like to, at least that's how I feel. Especially as an Honors student, where we're supposed to be getting As and Bs, and I feel like I'm struggling just to get a B in all of my classes....I'm questioning whether I've made the friends I've made. Do I want to go party constantly? No. Do I desperately need the first guy I come across as a boyfriend? No. But would I like to have that guy I can rely on when I feel lonely?.....well, yeah. And there are guys I'm interested in--the guy who sits on the other end of our row in Mass Comm for one. Damn is he hot....but I'm almost certain he's 1) an upperclassman and 2) already taken and 3) so fucking out of my league that it's ridiculous. I could only wish I had a shot at him. Meanwhile, I spend the majority of my time hanging with guys who are already taken, aka Jacob and Chris. FML.

I've liked almost every person I've met here on campus. It's just that all the really great ones are already taken. I'm not complaining though, not too much.

It just feels like there's a moment or two where I wish there was someone I could really confide in. I have Chantel, yes, but she's also Keather's friend, and knowing those two they've probably already discussed my status. What I really need is....peace. A moment where I have no shit to do, where I might be able to read a book for fun for once.

I want to go home. Just for a few. I can't wait for the weekend, and it's only Tuesday. Fuck... :/

What I could really use is a night where I'm not woken up at 5 in the fucking morning. Now that'd be nice.

Trying Not to Drown

I'm having one of those days again, and it feels like it's coming on way too early in the morning...

I am usually either having a totally awesome day, or a shitty day where I'd rather curl up in a ball and die. Then I start rationalizing with myself in my head, which will either make my mood better or worse. Typically, it makes it worse. In truth, I think it's because I have very little self-confidence while at the same time knowing that I'm very much capable at anything. I know I can write, but my confidence tells me I suck. I know that I'm not the most unattractive girl out there, but my confidence tells me that I'm not much of a catch, no matter what I do.

So today I tried to tell myself that my failed relationship wasn't my fault. He was the one to ask me out, he was the one to break up with me both times. But at the same time I feel like it's still my fault for what happened.....NO. Whatever "intensity" I showed, I will show to any man I fall in love with. Just because you don't know what the fuck love is and never will, doesn't mean that I don't. So get over yourself and get your life figured out--you won't be there for her when you move to Utah. Both of you are wasting your time--especially you, my blood cousin, because he's just a boy. You deserve a MAN, a nice tall man who knows what sex is. :P

But at the same time, I'm slowly gaining a crush on a guy that I've only met once...and is going all the way to the East Coast for college. Even farther than Utah. And in the meantime, he doesn't even live in town....the closest I'd get to seeing him would be if I make it to church. Which I can, but it's not as often as school or something like that...ha, school's not even in session anymore. It's now OVER.

Graduation went well though. I didn't go to the senior party, but I don't really care. Had I gone, I would've been up till 5 in the morning and most likely crash at Chantel's place afterwards. Instead, I went to HuHot for lunch with the family, and got my first ever checking account with $2,000 freaking bucks put in it right away!! Holy crap....I don't want to spend any of it. NONE. I just wish I could get interest on that baby....

But today? Today, I'm on the verge of drowning again in my pathetic sorrow and anger that I shouldn't feel....my life is pretty damn good, and void of an asshole of an ex who I don't have to deal with anymore--he's my cousin's problem now. And as happy as she might be with him now, she too doesn't see who he really is...same as me, when I dated him. I'm not going to lie, it was an amazing time when I was with him. And he has said as much, and more. But who he is when in a relationship is the Hyde to his true Jekyll form...

I'm glad to be rid of him now, though. Why? Because for the first time in months, I can sit back and look at men and actually see the HOTNESS. Holy crap, I'm just one more step closer to who I was before I started dating him!! I can finally see again! And I mean that literally, really....before, he had been all I could see. Anyone else, I really didn't care. But finally, I can see that other men are a LOT more attractive than him. And that makes me feel reeeeeally good....

Granted that leads to yet another problem: a certain friend who doesn't know how to find her own man. Yeah, I screwed up and pointed out that one of the guys was kinda hot at Phil's open house. I screwed up by letting her make the first move on him. And even though I warned him that her clumsy falls are all a ploy, he screwed up and just might've fallen for it.... Dammit, I wish she'd stop trying to take her friends' guys...otherwise, USD will be rather difficult to handle for me. :/

Which is why I'm pretty glad that she doesn't go to my church. I'd feel especially pissed if she went after this other guy who I think I shall keep nameless...for now...but he sort of makes me want to go to church just to say hi to him again....meh. :P

If you haven't guessed, I talk a lot. A lot, a lot. Or at least it takes me a while to vent. But anyways. Back to the sexiness that is Rehvenge! :D