Trying Not to Drown

I'm having one of those days again, and it feels like it's coming on way too early in the morning...

I am usually either having a totally awesome day, or a shitty day where I'd rather curl up in a ball and die. Then I start rationalizing with myself in my head, which will either make my mood better or worse. Typically, it makes it worse. In truth, I think it's because I have very little self-confidence while at the same time knowing that I'm very much capable at anything. I know I can write, but my confidence tells me I suck. I know that I'm not the most unattractive girl out there, but my confidence tells me that I'm not much of a catch, no matter what I do.

So today I tried to tell myself that my failed relationship wasn't my fault. He was the one to ask me out, he was the one to break up with me both times. But at the same time I feel like it's still my fault for what happened.....NO. Whatever "intensity" I showed, I will show to any man I fall in love with. Just because you don't know what the fuck love is and never will, doesn't mean that I don't. So get over yourself and get your life figured out--you won't be there for her when you move to Utah. Both of you are wasting your time--especially you, my blood cousin, because he's just a boy. You deserve a MAN, a nice tall man who knows what sex is. :P

But at the same time, I'm slowly gaining a crush on a guy that I've only met once...and is going all the way to the East Coast for college. Even farther than Utah. And in the meantime, he doesn't even live in town....the closest I'd get to seeing him would be if I make it to church. Which I can, but it's not as often as school or something like that...ha, school's not even in session anymore. It's now OVER.

Graduation went well though. I didn't go to the senior party, but I don't really care. Had I gone, I would've been up till 5 in the morning and most likely crash at Chantel's place afterwards. Instead, I went to HuHot for lunch with the family, and got my first ever checking account with $2,000 freaking bucks put in it right away!! Holy crap....I don't want to spend any of it. NONE. I just wish I could get interest on that baby....

But today? Today, I'm on the verge of drowning again in my pathetic sorrow and anger that I shouldn't feel....my life is pretty damn good, and void of an asshole of an ex who I don't have to deal with anymore--he's my cousin's problem now. And as happy as she might be with him now, she too doesn't see who he really is...same as me, when I dated him. I'm not going to lie, it was an amazing time when I was with him. And he has said as much, and more. But who he is when in a relationship is the Hyde to his true Jekyll form...

I'm glad to be rid of him now, though. Why? Because for the first time in months, I can sit back and look at men and actually see the HOTNESS. Holy crap, I'm just one more step closer to who I was before I started dating him!! I can finally see again! And I mean that literally, really....before, he had been all I could see. Anyone else, I really didn't care. But finally, I can see that other men are a LOT more attractive than him. And that makes me feel reeeeeally good....

Granted that leads to yet another problem: a certain friend who doesn't know how to find her own man. Yeah, I screwed up and pointed out that one of the guys was kinda hot at Phil's open house. I screwed up by letting her make the first move on him. And even though I warned him that her clumsy falls are all a ploy, he screwed up and just might've fallen for it.... Dammit, I wish she'd stop trying to take her friends' guys...otherwise, USD will be rather difficult to handle for me. :/

Which is why I'm pretty glad that she doesn't go to my church. I'd feel especially pissed if she went after this other guy who I think I shall keep nameless...for now...but he sort of makes me want to go to church just to say hi to him again....meh. :P

If you haven't guessed, I talk a lot. A lot, a lot. Or at least it takes me a while to vent. But anyways. Back to the sexiness that is Rehvenge! :D

Open House Madness. And Boys!

Ahhhh....it's late, and I'm really tired...

So Chantel was gracious enough to drive Mercedes, Keather, Danny and me around today while open house hopping. It was awesome!! I got to bother Matt at his open house, pick at him for our neighbor kiddie days, especially for the lack of caffinated soda....he blamed that on his mom though. Sheesh, what's with boys and blaming things on their mothers?....even Jackass did it to get out of being there for me when my grandpa died. Jackass....yeah, I'm renaming him to that. It blends so well with his last name anyways. :P

Then we sent love to Courtney, Marley, Phil....lots of people really....ohmigosh, I even got to say hi to Josie and Jenna!! :D Plus this cool guy named Charlie who was at Alex's open house...dunno who he was, but he was pretty funny. I had a weird Sherrilyn Kenyon vibe with him, like he'd make a good Daimon/Dark Hunter dude....haven't had one of those moments in forever. o.O

But I screwed up when we were at Phil's open house. I just had to open my big mouth and mention I thought the blonde was kinda hot. Which led to Keather falling into him while Phil opened cards. Why, WHY does she do this to us....BUT, talking with Chantel in her car when she dropped me off made me feel better. She'd even made a wrong turn accidentally, ended up taking a longer route to take me home.

I think that's what I'll miss when we graduate, though....I love being able to talk to Chantel. She's my rock, the support I need when no one else is around. So to part ways when we go to separate colleges will be tough...but we'll always have each other. And just because we won't be at the same school doesn't mean we can't talk anymore. I never really expected us to go to the same college after Lincoln anyway. I feel lucky enough to go to Lincoln with her in the first place!

She mentions I'm her first friend, or first best friend or first friend at Lincoln, yada yada, which really means a lot to me. I remember my first friend. Her name was Reanna, this girl that I met through preschool at church. My mom remembers I had this friend from the year before, but I don't remember her at all. Just Reanna. But Reanna moved. This tends to be a common occurrence for me--those friends that I become closest to, end up moving. First was Reanna....then there was this girl Rachel from 5th grade, she was freaky but still was a friend of mine. Then somewhere along the way Nicole moved from the neighborhood, and she was my best friend for a long while. Not going to lie, I'm really glad that I still talk to her, or at least try to stay in touch. Another neighbor that moved was Macy and Kelsey, who also really meant a lot to me...I mean, I broke my arm while playing with them one night, you don't forget those awesome memories!!

Probably should worry about calling that memory awesome, but it wasn't so traumatic having them there to help me out. :)

Then in 6th grade there was Corri and Tejiah. Double whammy, ouch. Tejiah was one of my best friends of all time, and Corri was also a good friend for the short time that I knew her. I really wish I could find Tejiah and just say hi one more time. :/. But ah well. And sophomore year Lydia moved to North Carolina....now Jackass will be moving to Utah. I'm not feeling so bad about him leaving, actually sort of looking forward to it. But still, he left a pretty big impact on my life. Even though most of it was pretty shitty....

God, I hate talking about him even. I nearly choked up talking about him with Chantel too today, which bothers me even more....he's Jackass, he hasn't done much of anything to deserve any sort of pity, let alone any attention.

Soooo anyways.....after all these friends have moved away, Chantel has still been here for me. And as she went to SF Lutheran, we're lucky enough to have met through church.....you know, this is the first time I've really seen just how important church is....even though I went through all those years without Chantel nearby, and then being able to be there for her when she went from private to public school, we always had church. So in a way, I owe the church for keeping Chantel and I close...thank you Lord! :D

And now tomorrow is graduation. Ahhh! Scary...I'm afraid I'll get to the arena and have no idea where to go...I think I could follow people around, but still....it's just going to be an experience. :/