Fuck It

Sometimes I just have to remind myself to take a step back and not say anything. Yeah, you're busy having fun with friends. Yeah, you just happened to have some free time to go on Tumblr but not talk to me. Fuck it, I don't even know if you're awake this late in the afternoon.

I'm so back-and-forth right now that it just makes me sick. I'm trying my hardest to show how much I care. Can I say the same for you, I've no idea. I'm waiting for the day when I start seeing explicit messages on Tumblr about your sexual escapades with a girl who just so HAPPENED to be a friend of your former FWB. It's as if you jump one shark tank into an exact duplicate, and for what? So you can get laid? Are you that fucking bored? Desperate? And what does this say about me, just willing to put up with it when you're doing even poorly at hiding it this time around?

Fucking hell. One week you were asking me "How would you feel if I got a half-sleeve tattoo?"......seriously? Why the fuck are you asking me? I have no hold over your decisions, so if you want to know how I feel about it, then I feel like this is a question better suited for your mother or girlfriend - of which I'm NEITHER.

But that was last week, this week you're on Tumblr hitting on this nutcase and forgetting that I exist. Then when we start talking Vidcon plans, your anxiety drives you to tell me "Vidcon isn't about me, you should go and have fun without me." Fuck no, I will never go to Vidcon alone, you're the only reason I agreed to go in the first place. "What about Corey, aren't you friends with him now?" ....WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. If I didn't know better, it sounds like you're jealous. And who wants to bet that if I attempted the jealous card the same way you do, you're going to run.

What do I really want? All I want is to be able to provide the support you desperately deserve. I'm aware we're not in a relationship. I want to be able to respect your freedom to be with whomever you want. I want to respect the fact that you went through a rough breakup a year ago, and you're still dealing with it - especially since its anniversary, if this month has been any indication. I wish desperately that I was living down there with you now, and it makes me incredibly happy that you want me to come down to ABQ for the concert if Vidcon plans don't pan over.

But god, how much I wish I could hold your hand in front of this bitch to make it known who she's dealing with.