To You

This past weekend has been so surreal, I don't even know what to do other than lay it all out right here.

I wish I could help you make it all better, and I'm glad I can call you my friend.

Losing a parent is tough, and when a guy loses his father it's like flipping their world over completely. I can only assume that this was unexpected, but regardless, it's fucking tough. Simple as that. And while it's a surprise at first, I can feel it sinking in day after day that a friend of mine has lost his dad, and that damn empathy is starting to hit me, too.

Truthfully, I always thought you just tolerated my ass. You always teased me, picked on me, and while it never bothered me it felt like we were just co-workers. Meh, just that. We had some good times, and some great conversations, but that whole two leaves passing in the wind saying comes to mind. Then Saturday, just a day after your father passed, you chose to message me in your drunken haze. I laughed a ton that night, and saw a side to you that I've never seen in words--as far as I remember, at least. But now I realize that I saw a vulnerability that I've never witnessed, and my respect for your strength has gone through the roof.

Sunday came, and I had a good chuckle from your realization that you'd been pretty far gone the night before. Another short conversation, followed by two hours of talking late Sunday night, and I tried to do everything I could to help you keep from thinking about all that you've had to face while being at home. And yes, somehow I had more respect for you even while drunk than I have since first meeting you--strange, I know.

Monday came around and you let me know when you were back, and I was actually glad for it. Another hour of talking, and it felt good--but it was even more daunting to leave you alone. I can tell there's a change, a big one. You've never ever ever wanted to just hang with me, much less talk to me just because you're bored. I feel like I can't trust that you'll be fine on your own, wishing I could reach out and make everything feel better. The fact that you're hurting is making me hurt, damnit. So if talking to me periodically to keep you from thinking about it has helped, then I'm glad.

And if it wasn't clear enough how much I've been concerned for you, I fucking sat on your Packers blanket. Yeah, I'm THAT worried. :p

All I hope is that your family and your girlfriend is enough to make things better. I don't care if we never broach the subject of your dad, because if you feel like that's something you can do with your girlfriend or with someone else then that's awesome. If I'm making the smallest difference by bringing humorous conversation, then huzzah! There's a reason why you have those people in your life, and I'm amazed that you've reached out to me this much in the past few days.

You're a fucking amazing friend, and I wish I were a dude so that this would make so much more sense. I love you, bro. No homo. :)

Sincerely,
The midget.
(Or any of the other stupid nicknames you've given me the past year and a half....T-bear.)

PS. I think I've talked more about my sex life in the past two days than I have in years. Thanks for the vote of confidence. haha :p

Time to Boycott

It's official. I'm boycotting the men of NASCAR. Frankly, now that I've made it into my twenties, it's totally okay for me to appreciate them more...but wait a minute, what's this?

EVERY piece of new rookie meat that enters NASCAR look like they haven't even reached puberty yet. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a sucker for Trevor Bayne, but why does he have to look like he'd do everything so passively...yes, I meant everything. >.>

Meanwhile, Dale Jr. only recently got a girlfriend (meh, I've grown out of that phase sadly) and Tony Stewart is still blissfully single....and holy damn but Stewart's only looking better with age.

Oh shit, Stewart's twice my age.

Goddamn, I still want that man hard.

See what I mean? All of the newbies who are my age look like they're too soft and/or they don't know what the hell to do if a woman literally stripped in front of them. Trevor Bayne would have a heart attack and cross himself, I know that much. Buuuut damn....too young. I don't care of they're the same age as me, they're too damn young.

Screw it, going back to the hockey boys. Or Jared Allen. Now those are men. >:)

Of All The Things I've Learned About Korea

Turns out they have limits placed on gaming time to combat an "Internet addiction" epidemic. So somehow, between all of the studying, working, and drinking, they have time to play video games and do Internet things? Because seriously,

The teenagers and children are in school or studying from 9am to 10pm.
For the older crowds, they can go out and drink to their heart's content...but unless you wanna risk a taxi and it's after public transportation closes around 11pm, you're stuck at the bar till transportation is back open at 5am.
Now, they want to curb Internet usage between midnight and 6am. Wait, your people have time to play video games? I thought that was eaten up already by the shopping and entertainment and drinking...

#Totallynotbitteraboutthekoreandrinkingproblems.

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Nothing like Valentine's Day to remind you how fucking stupid you are sometimes...fuck.

Not a good time for me to start the self-deprecation, I still have a paper to....I dunno, start? I've got essentially 338 words of rambling, but nothing worth turning in. Dammit. :/

Late Night Confessions

I have developed the absolute worst homework ethics imaginable this semester. And I have no idea how to reverse them. I can't remember the last time I've had so many issues with finishing crap. Maybe it's because I work on 12 different things at once. All I know is that I NEED the weekend to come so I can catch up on stuff. No question about it.

Also, Bethany and I had a fascinating last set of rounds. Not only did we have some clearly stoned and/or drunk residents running around the all-boys floor (no surprise there, and I was disappointed with the kid wearing the Clutterbuck shirt), but one of them just had to ask what our job was. In his drunkenness, he then said, "So your job is to maintain safety.....personallyyy, I find that kinda sexy. Ya know, if you're not doing anything would you like to come back to my room?"

Ohh dear lord, Bethany couldn't keep from giggling while I just smiled and went "Sorry, have got too much homework." WOW.

No Sleep

You know you're doomed to weird dreams when they keep getting weirder unexpectedly. As if my past dreams weren't weird enough...

Had a dream of introducing HCB to my parents over dinner. It was awkward, mostly because of me. He was amusing through part of it.

Meh, just worth taking note of. Otherwise I just never remember how my dreams turn out. Might have to master my dreaming sometime, if I could get over the deja vu paranoia I may or may not have... o.O

Testy Test

Out of boredom, Tumblr lurking led me to this. Colorgenics Personality Test

Name:	Meh
Date:	Saturday 4th 2012f February 2012 03:01:09 PM
Colorgenics Number:	3/4/0/1/7/2/6/5/

---

Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

Recently you have been experiencing considerable mental anguish and turmoil. You are bored and discontent. Nothing seems to be going right for you. Even your relationships aren't working out and you don't quite know which way to turn.

The present situation, not of your making, is forcing you to compromise. You will have to hold back and forgo some of your hopes, dreams and aspirations.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let your hair down - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationalilty, since you realise that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.



 ..........well that was more accurate than I anticipated. o.O