To You

This past weekend has been so surreal, I don't even know what to do other than lay it all out right here.

I wish I could help you make it all better, and I'm glad I can call you my friend.

Losing a parent is tough, and when a guy loses his father it's like flipping their world over completely. I can only assume that this was unexpected, but regardless, it's fucking tough. Simple as that. And while it's a surprise at first, I can feel it sinking in day after day that a friend of mine has lost his dad, and that damn empathy is starting to hit me, too.

Truthfully, I always thought you just tolerated my ass. You always teased me, picked on me, and while it never bothered me it felt like we were just co-workers. Meh, just that. We had some good times, and some great conversations, but that whole two leaves passing in the wind saying comes to mind. Then Saturday, just a day after your father passed, you chose to message me in your drunken haze. I laughed a ton that night, and saw a side to you that I've never seen in words--as far as I remember, at least. But now I realize that I saw a vulnerability that I've never witnessed, and my respect for your strength has gone through the roof.

Sunday came, and I had a good chuckle from your realization that you'd been pretty far gone the night before. Another short conversation, followed by two hours of talking late Sunday night, and I tried to do everything I could to help you keep from thinking about all that you've had to face while being at home. And yes, somehow I had more respect for you even while drunk than I have since first meeting you--strange, I know.

Monday came around and you let me know when you were back, and I was actually glad for it. Another hour of talking, and it felt good--but it was even more daunting to leave you alone. I can tell there's a change, a big one. You've never ever ever wanted to just hang with me, much less talk to me just because you're bored. I feel like I can't trust that you'll be fine on your own, wishing I could reach out and make everything feel better. The fact that you're hurting is making me hurt, damnit. So if talking to me periodically to keep you from thinking about it has helped, then I'm glad.

And if it wasn't clear enough how much I've been concerned for you, I fucking sat on your Packers blanket. Yeah, I'm THAT worried. :p

All I hope is that your family and your girlfriend is enough to make things better. I don't care if we never broach the subject of your dad, because if you feel like that's something you can do with your girlfriend or with someone else then that's awesome. If I'm making the smallest difference by bringing humorous conversation, then huzzah! There's a reason why you have those people in your life, and I'm amazed that you've reached out to me this much in the past few days.

You're a fucking amazing friend, and I wish I were a dude so that this would make so much more sense. I love you, bro. No homo. :)

Sincerely,
The midget.
(Or any of the other stupid nicknames you've given me the past year and a half....T-bear.)

PS. I think I've talked more about my sex life in the past two days than I have in years. Thanks for the vote of confidence. haha :p