Sometimes I just have to remind myself to take a step back and not say anything. Yeah, you're busy having fun with friends. Yeah, you just happened to have some free time to go on Tumblr but not talk to me. Fuck it, I don't even know if you're awake this late in the afternoon.
I'm so back-and-forth right now that it just makes me sick. I'm trying my hardest to show how much I care. Can I say the same for you, I've no idea. I'm waiting for the day when I start seeing explicit messages on Tumblr about your sexual escapades with a girl who just so HAPPENED to be a friend of your former FWB. It's as if you jump one shark tank into an exact duplicate, and for what? So you can get laid? Are you that fucking bored? Desperate? And what does this say about me, just willing to put up with it when you're doing even poorly at hiding it this time around?
Fucking hell. One week you were asking me "How would you feel if I got a half-sleeve tattoo?"......seriously? Why the fuck are you asking me? I have no hold over your decisions, so if you want to know how I feel about it, then I feel like this is a question better suited for your mother or girlfriend - of which I'm NEITHER.
But that was last week, this week you're on Tumblr hitting on this nutcase and forgetting that I exist. Then when we start talking Vidcon plans, your anxiety drives you to tell me "Vidcon isn't about me, you should go and have fun without me." Fuck no, I will never go to Vidcon alone, you're the only reason I agreed to go in the first place. "What about Corey, aren't you friends with him now?" ....WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. If I didn't know better, it sounds like you're jealous. And who wants to bet that if I attempted the jealous card the same way you do, you're going to run.
What do I really want? All I want is to be able to provide the support you desperately deserve. I'm aware we're not in a relationship. I want to be able to respect your freedom to be with whomever you want. I want to respect the fact that you went through a rough breakup a year ago, and you're still dealing with it - especially since its anniversary, if this month has been any indication. I wish desperately that I was living down there with you now, and it makes me incredibly happy that you want me to come down to ABQ for the concert if Vidcon plans don't pan over.
But god, how much I wish I could hold your hand in front of this bitch to make it known who she's dealing with.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Scared
I'm aware I'm scared of change. But that doesn't make me feel better, or instigate bravery.
It's been about 2 weeks since he last called me babe.
It's been exactly 3 weeks since he last said I love your face.
It's been I-don't-know-how-long since he's last instigated a conversation that wasn't around a youtube video or twitter status or tumblr photo.
...it's as if I'm living the song lyric "It's always darkest before the dawn," and I'm terrified that I haven't reached the darkest point yet. I don't even dare discuss this with anyone because I know where the conversation is going to go.
This doesn't look good. And it feels even worse.
...fucking hell.
It's been about 2 weeks since he last called me babe.
It's been exactly 3 weeks since he last said I love your face.
It's been I-don't-know-how-long since he's last instigated a conversation that wasn't around a youtube video or twitter status or tumblr photo.
...it's as if I'm living the song lyric "It's always darkest before the dawn," and I'm terrified that I haven't reached the darkest point yet. I don't even dare discuss this with anyone because I know where the conversation is going to go.
This doesn't look good. And it feels even worse.
...fucking hell.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Waiting for the Final Blow
...and again, the silence falls. Because now when I say I love yo face, it's met with silence. Unless I fill it with another transition to a different topic.
But no more. I don't care if that statement hangs for the rest of the evening. He can stare at it and reflect on why it's so hard for him to say it back to me now.
Fuck it.
But no more. I don't care if that statement hangs for the rest of the evening. He can stare at it and reflect on why it's so hard for him to say it back to me now.
Fuck it.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Short Musings
What I'd give to hear him say 'I love yo face' again....
There's a small voice in my head that wishes maybe he just hasn't realized it's been over a week since he's said it. But we're not stupid. It's one of the reasons I fell so hard for him. No.....we're well aware of the dynamics shift. I just wish I knew what it'd take to set things right again so I can hear him say it without restraint...
I love your face.
There's a small voice in my head that wishes maybe he just hasn't realized it's been over a week since he's said it. But we're not stupid. It's one of the reasons I fell so hard for him. No.....we're well aware of the dynamics shift. I just wish I knew what it'd take to set things right again so I can hear him say it without restraint...
I love your face.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
...And More Silence
I hate silence.
I know, I've said it before and I hate that I have to say it again. I hate silence.
But if there's anything I'm willing to hate more right now, it's the fact that since leaving Albuquerque six days ago, I've had to instigate every Skype and text message conversation. I can put something up on Twitter and most likely get a response, yet you don't have anything to say to me? Even after you finally get your day of glory at work that you've been looking forward to for weeks now? Bullshit.
It might kill me inside to keep quiet, but like fucking hell am I going to continue coming up with things to say when you're around. Because by this point, I'm feeling more like nothing but an annoyance. If you're going to say you miss my face, then you're gonna damn well mean it when you do. And if you're gonna ask why you haven't heard from me in a while, then at least I'll be able to ask when it suddenly became my responsibility to instigate every conversation. We had a good balance going. Now all I want is for you to ask me how my day went.
...No, what I really want is to know if I fucked things up that badly coming down to see you. I want to know if I fucked things up permanently showing you my feelings, or just what I've done to make you quit talking to me. I want to know whether you're just stressed about something and whether I can help with it. I want to know when things will go back to normal.
I hate silence, but I hate insincerity more. I'd rather be alone and depressed than have to beg for attention.....even though I feel so, so fucking alone.
I know, I've said it before and I hate that I have to say it again. I hate silence.
But if there's anything I'm willing to hate more right now, it's the fact that since leaving Albuquerque six days ago, I've had to instigate every Skype and text message conversation. I can put something up on Twitter and most likely get a response, yet you don't have anything to say to me? Even after you finally get your day of glory at work that you've been looking forward to for weeks now? Bullshit.
It might kill me inside to keep quiet, but like fucking hell am I going to continue coming up with things to say when you're around. Because by this point, I'm feeling more like nothing but an annoyance. If you're going to say you miss my face, then you're gonna damn well mean it when you do. And if you're gonna ask why you haven't heard from me in a while, then at least I'll be able to ask when it suddenly became my responsibility to instigate every conversation. We had a good balance going. Now all I want is for you to ask me how my day went.
...No, what I really want is to know if I fucked things up that badly coming down to see you. I want to know if I fucked things up permanently showing you my feelings, or just what I've done to make you quit talking to me. I want to know whether you're just stressed about something and whether I can help with it. I want to know when things will go back to normal.
I hate silence, but I hate insincerity more. I'd rather be alone and depressed than have to beg for attention.....even though I feel so, so fucking alone.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
I Love Your Face Too Much
That phrase. It's like a record on repeat in my head.
The sincerity was there, that I could feel. Doesn't matter that you were drunk at the time, it just makes it harder to claim you made that shit up. You said it...Twice. And while this might just be me...I could feel the fear behind it. Of being afraid that everything with us is becoming too real, or that the intensity is unbalanced and will inevitably end up in a world of hurt.
Oh hey, that feeling's mutual. Because I'm afraid that what I'm feeling is far more intense compared to yours, that this is becoming all too real for me. That I'm going to be the one hurt in the end, because the alternative of you getting hurt is far worse.
...then you claim that your biggest issue is that you're always content with being just friends. Nope, not touching that with a 10 foot pole, nope nope nope. Because then 'too much' starts looping in my head again and leaves me feeling like the finale to a rollercoaster.
I just...needed to get that out.
The sincerity was there, that I could feel. Doesn't matter that you were drunk at the time, it just makes it harder to claim you made that shit up. You said it...Twice. And while this might just be me...I could feel the fear behind it. Of being afraid that everything with us is becoming too real, or that the intensity is unbalanced and will inevitably end up in a world of hurt.
Oh hey, that feeling's mutual. Because I'm afraid that what I'm feeling is far more intense compared to yours, that this is becoming all too real for me. That I'm going to be the one hurt in the end, because the alternative of you getting hurt is far worse.
...then you claim that your biggest issue is that you're always content with being just friends. Nope, not touching that with a 10 foot pole, nope nope nope. Because then 'too much' starts looping in my head again and leaves me feeling like the finale to a rollercoaster.
I just...needed to get that out.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Silence
You haven't heard from me in 30 hours, and the first thing you say is you miss me?
...I would like this a lot more if I had the luxury of ignorance. Had I not known who you were with during the night and exactly what you were doing, because let's reiterate, she's using you as a pawn of desirability and a debilitating crutch. You said it yourself, she has incredible commitment and abandonment issues. But I don't know if I want to face what this says about you.
So yeah, for as long as you go MIA for certain periods of time, and as long as she keeps posting her sex schedule with you on Tumblr, you won't hear from me during those times. You will have to re-initiate contact, because I refuse to play games. And texting you when I know you're fucking someone else...it's too high school for me.
...I would like this a lot more if I had the luxury of ignorance. Had I not known who you were with during the night and exactly what you were doing, because let's reiterate, she's using you as a pawn of desirability and a debilitating crutch. You said it yourself, she has incredible commitment and abandonment issues. But I don't know if I want to face what this says about you.
So yeah, for as long as you go MIA for certain periods of time, and as long as she keeps posting her sex schedule with you on Tumblr, you won't hear from me during those times. You will have to re-initiate contact, because I refuse to play games. And texting you when I know you're fucking someone else...it's too high school for me.
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