Overanalyzing.

I think, for the first time...I feel genuinely confused. It sucks realizing that I'm overanalyzing all of this shit, even though we both promised we wouldn't. However, he's the one shutting me out, so I'm rather justified in breaking my part of the promise as well. And maybe for good reason.

I'm entirely aware that this is like a replay of March. I hate that. And yet, my thought processes are completely different, even if my reactions are coming out the same. Yeah, jealousy may be the underlying cause of all this, but it's more complicated than that. I just.....I want equality. Equal treatment. I've been so pissed these last few weeks because he's been shutting me out when he's got his new replacement to play with, but he didn't do the same to her when I was visiting him. I've been frustrated that he won't talk to me like he used to because this was exactly what I didn't want to go through again. But then it feels like I make a complete 180 with these anxieties and start going in different directions. He shuts me out, but hasn't done the same to his friends - including sexfriends, apparently. Am I not on the same level as his friends? But then what does that make me, lover or stranger? I've been frustrated that he won't talk to me, but even when I was in town visiting, we didn't communicate much. I was so happy that I was in the same room as him that I didn't feel conversation was necessary. And even before, we've talked for months now. More than anyone else normally talks to their friends, no doubt. We've kept conversations going through YouTube videos and Twitter statuses more than how our day's been, and I can't really complain because I've learned far more about him from those conversations. So it's not that I miss our conversations entirely, it's just...I miss our interactions.

But there's always that impulsive voice in the back of my mind that drags me down. He's shutting me out because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, I scared him off...He doesn't feel anything for me anymore. It took him less than 2 days to replace me, no doubt he was just relieved to see me leave....did I really suck at sex that badly?...He has more fun talking to her anyways, she probably does all the talking so he doesn't have to....I'm sure her conversations are far more interesting...prettier than me, funnier than me, far more interesting....did I not tell him enough how much I enjoyed visiting him for that week? Did I fuck something up? I was probably super boring to have around for an entire week...maybe he likes being called a loser and dweeb and Satan and sugarpants and seabass and mouthdate and all those other shitty nicknames she calls him...the sex must be really fantastic or whatever, to make up for her Tumblr looking like it's run by a 13-year-old preteen...why do I have to suck at everything so bad, even fucking kissing...surely he's shutting me out because he doesn't know a decent way to tell me to stop talking to him...I'll never match up to the other girls.......

However, there's one thing I'll never regret. I will never regret saying 'I love you' when I left. Never. Because even though I know he's made every assumption possible about what it meant when I said it, it was worth saying. Everyone deserves to hear they're loved. Especially him. And more importantly, it's not a fucking ultimatum. I don't say it as a form of 'Either you love me back and we date and get married or I'll never speak to you again.' I say it because I feel it, I want him to be happy and I never want him to change, and if/when he finds something he wants to change I'll stand by him and hope it turns out the way he wants it to. I still love him, despite every rational bone in my body saying that it's SO FUCKED UP to have these deep-seated emotional ties to a boy who's resorted to ignoring you and is off fucking other girls after I just went down there to visit him for a week.

It's so fucked up....but whenever I look back at those pictures I took of him the night before I left, where he had the closest thing to a smile I'd ever seen captured...he was relaxed. And it was incredible. And I didn't even know till I came back home that he'd been taking pictures while he was tickling me into submission all the while. I just....can't shake this feeling. That maybe he does really like me. And it sucks not knowing.

Overthinking Things Again

Am I crazy for making connections between his MIA status in the evenings and his lack of flirting with me for the past week?......Probably.

Should I keep my mouth shut instead of potentially opening a can of worms this close to this trip?....Probably.

Will I keep my mouth shut?.....Probably not.

I just hate this feeling of not knowing. His typical usage of hashtag flirting has subsided. Rather than responding to my gifs he changes the subject with more youtube or irrelevant links. The only conclusions I have are that 1) He's not as receptive because he's always less receptive when he has regular sex, a likely answer because I have a suspicion of who the latest bitch is, 2) He's stressed, of which I can't really help with and will probably be the go-to answer to avoid the first conclusion, or 3) He hasn't responded as much because I'd fucked up and missed prime opportunities he's presented, so he's given up until I return the favor.

It's that last one that makes me hesitate at saying anything. I hate that I could've fucked things up by making little mistakes, not accepting a flirting hashtag or pic when I should've or whatever. And yet I almost hope it's that, because I want to be able to say I'm sorry. If it's the first, then he can feel uncomfortable for me catching on this quick. I don't give a fuck. But goddamn it....I miss my horny man. The one who admits to feeling sexually oppressed two weeks ago, the one who called me babe on my birthday.....

.....the one who waits until NOW to send PhillyD tweets about blowjobs. Fucking hell. :/

I Don't Even Care Anymore

Yeah, it feels fucking good calling him on his shit, even if I have to resort to public Facebook comments. You want to talk to me on your terms, then so be it. But if you want to put yourself down on Facebook? Then yeah, I'm gonna point out your fucking harem. We both know you have at least five women standing outside your door waiting for the chance to fuck you. Pretending you're not worthy of any of it is just a load of bullshit.

And what do ya know, he hasn't responded to the harem comment. Feels like I'm just dying, waiting for him to say something. Yell at me, call me out on my own shit, I don't give a fuck. I just so badly want to tell him that yes, everyone hates their own voice and how they look on camera and everything. No shit, I don't make videos for that exact reason. But he has women on a leash out there who love his videos regardless. A fucking HAREM of girls who love his voice and the whole package. And clearly one who's all but ready to jump his bones...and I'm not even talking about myself.

Fuck it all to hell. Fuck it that I'm only contacted when it's convenient. Fuck you.

Fuck It

Sometimes I just have to remind myself to take a step back and not say anything. Yeah, you're busy having fun with friends. Yeah, you just happened to have some free time to go on Tumblr but not talk to me. Fuck it, I don't even know if you're awake this late in the afternoon.

I'm so back-and-forth right now that it just makes me sick. I'm trying my hardest to show how much I care. Can I say the same for you, I've no idea. I'm waiting for the day when I start seeing explicit messages on Tumblr about your sexual escapades with a girl who just so HAPPENED to be a friend of your former FWB. It's as if you jump one shark tank into an exact duplicate, and for what? So you can get laid? Are you that fucking bored? Desperate? And what does this say about me, just willing to put up with it when you're doing even poorly at hiding it this time around?

Fucking hell. One week you were asking me "How would you feel if I got a half-sleeve tattoo?"......seriously? Why the fuck are you asking me? I have no hold over your decisions, so if you want to know how I feel about it, then I feel like this is a question better suited for your mother or girlfriend - of which I'm NEITHER.

But that was last week, this week you're on Tumblr hitting on this nutcase and forgetting that I exist. Then when we start talking Vidcon plans, your anxiety drives you to tell me "Vidcon isn't about me, you should go and have fun without me." Fuck no, I will never go to Vidcon alone, you're the only reason I agreed to go in the first place. "What about Corey, aren't you friends with him now?" ....WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. If I didn't know better, it sounds like you're jealous. And who wants to bet that if I attempted the jealous card the same way you do, you're going to run.

What do I really want? All I want is to be able to provide the support you desperately deserve. I'm aware we're not in a relationship. I want to be able to respect your freedom to be with whomever you want. I want to respect the fact that you went through a rough breakup a year ago, and you're still dealing with it - especially since its anniversary, if this month has been any indication. I wish desperately that I was living down there with you now, and it makes me incredibly happy that you want me to come down to ABQ for the concert if Vidcon plans don't pan over.

But god, how much I wish I could hold your hand in front of this bitch to make it known who she's dealing with.

Scared

I'm aware I'm scared of change. But that doesn't make me feel better, or instigate bravery.

It's been about 2 weeks since he last called me babe.
It's been exactly 3 weeks since he last said I love your face.
It's been I-don't-know-how-long since he's last instigated a conversation that wasn't around a youtube video or twitter status or tumblr photo.

...it's as if I'm living the song lyric "It's always darkest before the dawn," and I'm terrified that I haven't reached the darkest point yet. I don't even dare discuss this with anyone because I know where the conversation is going to go.

This doesn't look good. And it feels even worse.

...fucking hell.

Waiting for the Final Blow

...and again, the silence falls. Because now when I say I love yo face, it's met with silence. Unless I fill it with another transition to a different topic.

But no more. I don't care if that statement hangs for the rest of the evening. He can stare at it and reflect on why it's so hard for him to say it back to me now.

Fuck it.

Short Musings

What I'd give to hear him say 'I love yo face' again....

There's a small voice in my head that wishes maybe he just hasn't realized it's been over a week since he's said it. But we're not stupid. It's one of the reasons I fell so hard for him.  No.....we're well aware of the dynamics shift. I just wish I knew what it'd take to set things right again so I can hear him say it without restraint...

I love your face.