Breakeven

The good news? I've found the motivation to go back to my Photoshop.

The bad news? Photoshop reminded me that this this tends to be the time when my OCD kicks in. Damn you, perfectionist reflex...

I'm determined to make this Canucks banner awesome, though. Psh.

Advertising At Its Best

Aaaaaaaaaaamg I wish I were in fucking Canada right now. And no, it isn't because HCB went back home. I swear I could watch Canadian television ALL DAY LONGGG...

Well, it's no secret that I love their advertising, or at least I love the commercials they choose to air. And there are some pretty awesome/hilarious commercials. Of course, I'm damn lucky if I can even find them online...but there are a few! Such as this one (no idea if it's particular to an area, but I'm sure it's international):



Theeeeeeen there's Molson, who never disappoints in making me giggle uncontrollably:



Mmmmmmhmmm, it just went there.

Then after the hockey games, if I'm positively lucky that night, I'll get to watch some random Canadian epicness. Of course it's totally out of my control as to what it is, but dude, even the news is fuckin' amazing. Because when it's a week before national elections....I mean, come on. Speaks for itself. Then the political stuff was followed by a visit to Chernobyl with some Canadians. Duuuuuude, now that was fascinating. :3

So tonight I'm watching, and I had the chance to look at the TV listings for whoever the hell was streaming everything online.....and holy crap my mind was blown. MTV has some show called 1 Girl 5 Gays? What the what?! Is this like their equivalent to 16 and Pregnant on the ridiculous scale? Jeeze.... >.>

They also have the Canadian equivalent to American Pickers. It's called (no shit) Canadian Pickers. Whaaaaaaaaat.....meh, it looks amusing but there's no topping the Iowa natives, HA! And, there's one that caught my attention that I kinda wanna see: The Dakota Sessions. Dakota?! Which Dakota? Well, it's actually just a tavern in Toronto (legit, they called it a tavern) that showcases musicians. Including Great Big Sea and Lady Antebellum. Woooo! Gonna watch for it on YouTube. Along with my goddamn Tide and Apple Auto Glass commercials. Grawr. >.>

Also, I got screwed by poking around Canada's CMT site. They have a friggin' show called Pick a Puppy. PICK A PUPPY. What sort of cruel torment is this to pick such an irresistible title!! D: Damn.....

Now they left on Hardcore Pawn, which isn't actually Canadian but....what the fuck. Sadly it's a drama-filled Pawn Stars basically, so Nascar took over. And THAT drama is a whole lot more hilarious. After tonight, Busch's ass is grassssssssssssss, and if all he gets is a lil fine.....then something's wrong with the system. Dude, they're picky as hell about speeding in pit road for the crew's safety, and Busch went and shoved Harvick's car with his own and plowed Harvick's into the pit wall? With pit crews and people all over the road? Fucking hell....but in all, Regan Smith FINALLY got a win that actually counts!! XD

For staying in Verm one last night, this has been pretty damn awesome. :3

Questioning Why I Reapplied For This Job

You know, I think I'm getting used to this second place thing I've got going. Ever since way back when I applied for this job of mine, I had put down Beede Hall as my top choice (Honors floor, yo) and Mickelson as my second. I got my second choice. Then all of this year it has been second this, second that...reapply for hall placement and I got my second choice (albeit, Beede's not too bad of a second choice).

Now tonight, John asked me who I would want for a co-CA next year. Didn't even have to think twice, I told him my current co Aris. Well fuck  me sideways, he wants to give Aris to Laurel because Laurel nearly didn't come back at the end of last semester, so he wants to give her a really good co. Then I told him that I didn't really want to be with Marcus 'cause I don't think I'd work well with him (His response: 'Well that's good to know'), and then I told him that I would not be co to Joe because, well, he happened to ask me out Friday night (His response: 'Ooooooooh'). We talked it over, and I don't really have a desire to be on an all-girls floor and he has two of the new/semi-new staff girls going on that floor. So basically I'm forced into a corner to work with a guy who I really won't get along with, which I can guarantee you from the start is going to be the case.

Seriously, I hope John takes at least a little pity in me and gives me top choice just this once...I told him my first choice had also been the Honors floor, but that I knew Laurel was going to get that too. And I really do hate to say it, but it really fucking sucks when the Honors floor already went to Laurel, and now I'm going to lose my co to her, too. What am I going to be left with then? Probably 4th floor again, with the perpetual angst that I won't have Aris as my co again when my heart was set on getting him again. It's a toxic combination.

I swear, I'm more stressed out from shit that has nothing to do with schoolwork and it's a bitch. I'm hoping HCB gets his ass in gear and picks a day for lunch or dinner or SOMETHING, I'm just saying. I need a way to wind down, either through doing absolutely nothing or reading or sleeping, I just don't know anymore....

No....Just No.

I think it is official, life has decided to fuck me sideways and leave me on the corner for shits and giggles.....that is quite the detailed metaphor. But as of now, I believe it's true.

While I wallowed in my stress and hormone-induced self-esteem bipolarness, I got a much-needed boost from getting a simple phone call from HCB asking about dinner plans. Well, in this case it was a lack of dinner plans 'cause he had quite a bit to do involving work at 6 tonight, and in his words, he didn't want to rush stuff like that. As in he didn't want to rush dinner with me, when we had two hours before he went to work. >.>

Even though I haven't gotten to see him in over a week, it was disturbingly comforting to get that little phone call. Which put me in better spirits the rest of the day, considering that shit tried to pile up afterward.

Then there came the kicker that has convinced me I'm life's fucking playtoy. I had a freshman ask me out. :/

Now, in hindsight, this is a nice esteem boost that I probably needed pretty badly. Keeps me from convincing myself that I may not be good enough for HCB, but there are others that are interested. But there are just too many problems. For one, he's a freshman. I'm not doing younger again, nope nope. I don't want the drama and immature bullshit again. Second, he's going to be a CA in Beede with me next year. Ahhh major clusterfuck on the whole work contract shit. They don't have two CAs that are dating/engaged/whatevs in the same building, because otherwise it leads to some very awkward crap if and when they break up. They hate putting them in paired complexes too, which means when they do they sit them down and have a nice little chat. Here, it's just not gonna work unless they moved one of us. I'm not having any of that shit. And third......yeah, just not interested.

I have a nice little war going on that just gave me a bastard of a headache tonight. On one side is my common sense, which tells me despite the place of work situation I have nothing to lose. I am single, and that's not going to change anytime soon due to HCB's eventual leaving and his lack of interest. I also have the notion that just because I don't like them back, I don't know them well enough to say for sure whether that is a permanent case, so I tell myself to go on one date and see what happens after that.

Then there's my gut reaction part. Which tells me that yeah, he's a nice guy. Now tell him to fuck off and walk away. Mostly because the gut reaction is one very similar to when I'm stressed, which means my stomach feels like it's been punched  a few times and makes me rather resistant to the idea of food. Would rather eat and keep it in my stomach as opposed to throwing it back up when I'm feeling like I want to perpetually throw up. Not to mention that I like someone else. End of story. Regardless of the circumstances, I'll have HCB constantly in the back of my mind, and that's what kills. Regardless of what my brain tells me, my gut doesn't like the circumstances and kicks the shit out of me for it. My gut looks at the fact that he went to high school and graduated with my ex, and that is a definite no-go.

What sort of fucking test is this for me? To see how often I can put up with this cycle of falling for the one who couldn't give a shit, while another nice guy comes by and does all the right things and I couldn't give a shit?

I can't even admit to myself that I might've fallen for HCB. Fucking hell.....

What did I do this time to deserve this. :/

In the Middle of Hiatus

Well I've done a good job neglecting this place...probably should've come back here more often, but who the hell knows. I feel like when I do use this, I'm able to get everything out that needs to come out. Because when I bottle things up, I crack, and I've done more than enough cracking these past few weeks.

I hate being a woman, what with the emotional crap.
I hate how those womanly frustrations enjoy coming out right when school/work/life is at its most stressful.
I hate how most of these frustrations are just in my head.
I hate putting off papers, even though I work best under pressure. However, freaking out about how much is left to get done with a half hour left before I have to turn it in.....not so fun.
I hate how I so badly want to believe things are looking up, when I should be looking the other way.
I hate how I feel like the world is out to convince me that it's all not coincidence, when my brain is hardwired to the worst case scenario: where the fuck do I stand. The friend, the possibility, or perpetually the last resort?
I hate how I feel like I deserve an answer for stupid questions such as these, when I have absolutely no right to--because in my head, I'm just fucking thankful for the little things. Including that I haven't lost him as a friend yet.
I fucking hate how when it comes right down to it, the stress coupled with the impossible has made me an emotional wreck when left alone. And I'd really rather not see this continue for another week or so.
I cannot stand how ignorance is not ingrained in me. What I would fucking give to have some time where I can pretend that everything is all right. That someone may actually give a shit about me. That someone might actually watch a Nascar race, for any length of time, because they remembered I enjoyed it and that Talladega was my favorite track and remember the time I told them about my cousin wanting to rent an RV and have us go to Dega when I'm old enough to drink.
I want to be ignorant enough to believe that it means something that someone would trust me to edit, much less read a 20-page paper about their father.
I want to believe that it means something when he says he wants to get together over the summer to eat in Sioux Falls. That it means something when he asks why I've had a bad week.
I wish that when I say I want it to mean something, it means something more than a passing friend.
I wish that I wasn't 19. Because I know perfectly well that I don't feel like one 98% of the time.

I want to fucking believe in something more than coincidence. I want to fucking believe that the world is trying to make the impossible seem feasible, rather than convince me that it's not because of me...that it's never because of me. It's because of the perfect competition. The competition that isn't 18 or 19, or even 20.

I don't want to see some airhead of a bombshell--or in other cases, an airhead in the depths of desperation--take advantage of who would otherwise be the greatest in-laws ever. But would they even know that they'd be the damned luckiest female on the planet to end up with in-laws like them....doubtful.

I want to be your damn Rapunzel.

But that's not how life works out. Of course it's not.

Bad Sage Advice

This whole compassion thing takes a real toll sometimes.

No, I don't need a lesson on the measure of a man for who he is today. Fuck you. And damnit Bobby for jumping on the bandwagon and saying the same thing! >:X

I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to feel concerned and I don't know why. I approve of the kick-ass attitude HCB's had as of late, especially considering how frustrated/depressed he was this time last week.......but I don't want him to change. Not quite yet. If it's because he wants to make changes and everything, then he's got my support...but I hope he's applying them to the right things. Cutting back on drinking, that'd be a good one. So would focusing on school and work so that you don't get deported for a second time.

It's almost ironic, actually. Don't judge based on the past, yet it's apparently worth making changes over...and yet, the best you can do is accept them for who they are. Fuck off...

You don't need to change. Damnit. >:/

(That's also ironic, since there's a nice little list of things HCB should change. But I don't want him to. :P )

Ignoring Stupid Freshmen and Being Unproductive

Ugh. I'm so glad it's the weekend, but I still feel like this is a waste. I have too much shit to do.

So what all should I be doing? Well I have two columns I need to edit, I have a reflection to write for my 492 class, and I have French homework.

I also just remembered that our big program is tonight at 9. Shit, and I was hoping I could stay in today. All of my lack of motivation has been because I was up till 5am and didn't want to take a shower at that ridiculous hour. Well now I'm thinking of taking a shower at 6pm, an equally ridiculous hour. I'm used to taking showers at 2 or 3am, plz.

Then for some unknown reason, I not only slept through my TV turning on, but also slept through my alarm going off at 1pm. I never sleep through either of those. And they were set for after having 7 hours of sleep, more than my usual. Amg I'm confused. D:

Now off to be semi-productive. And probably take a shower.

So anyway. I got up at about 2:30, which isn't too bad. But it's weird. And now I'm all lost of motivation. Ugh.

HCB is off training guys in Yankton how to use and maintain the Zambonis. I can't help but giggle at that, of course they'd have to turn to the Canadian for how to properly care for a Zamboni. And even better, they said on the sign that he was trained by the Zamboni Company. Not only legit, but made sense since he was facilities operator. Amggg I feel smart. XD