Am I crazy for making connections between his MIA status in the evenings and his lack of flirting with me for the past week?......Probably.
Should I keep my mouth shut instead of potentially opening a can of worms this close to this trip?....Probably.
Will I keep my mouth shut?.....Probably not.
I just hate this feeling of not knowing. His typical usage of hashtag flirting has subsided. Rather than responding to my gifs he changes the subject with more youtube or irrelevant links. The only conclusions I have are that 1) He's not as receptive because he's always less receptive when he has regular sex, a likely answer because I have a suspicion of who the latest bitch is, 2) He's stressed, of which I can't really help with and will probably be the go-to answer to avoid the first conclusion, or 3) He hasn't responded as much because I'd fucked up and missed prime opportunities he's presented, so he's given up until I return the favor.
It's that last one that makes me hesitate at saying anything. I hate that I could've fucked things up by making little mistakes, not accepting a flirting hashtag or pic when I should've or whatever. And yet I almost hope it's that, because I want to be able to say I'm sorry. If it's the first, then he can feel uncomfortable for me catching on this quick. I don't give a fuck. But goddamn it....I miss my horny man. The one who admits to feeling sexually oppressed two weeks ago, the one who called me babe on my birthday.....
.....the one who waits until NOW to send PhillyD tweets about blowjobs. Fucking hell. :/
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Sunday, July 14, 2013
I Don't Even Care Anymore
Yeah, it feels fucking good calling him on his shit, even if I have to resort to public Facebook comments. You want to talk to me on your terms, then so be it. But if you want to put yourself down on Facebook? Then yeah, I'm gonna point out your fucking harem. We both know you have at least five women standing outside your door waiting for the chance to fuck you. Pretending you're not worthy of any of it is just a load of bullshit.
And what do ya know, he hasn't responded to the harem comment. Feels like I'm just dying, waiting for him to say something. Yell at me, call me out on my own shit, I don't give a fuck. I just so badly want to tell him that yes, everyone hates their own voice and how they look on camera and everything. No shit, I don't make videos for that exact reason. But he has women on a leash out there who love his videos regardless. A fucking HAREM of girls who love his voice and the whole package. And clearly one who's all but ready to jump his bones...and I'm not even talking about myself.
Fuck it all to hell. Fuck it that I'm only contacted when it's convenient. Fuck you.
And what do ya know, he hasn't responded to the harem comment. Feels like I'm just dying, waiting for him to say something. Yell at me, call me out on my own shit, I don't give a fuck. I just so badly want to tell him that yes, everyone hates their own voice and how they look on camera and everything. No shit, I don't make videos for that exact reason. But he has women on a leash out there who love his videos regardless. A fucking HAREM of girls who love his voice and the whole package. And clearly one who's all but ready to jump his bones...and I'm not even talking about myself.
Fuck it all to hell. Fuck it that I'm only contacted when it's convenient. Fuck you.
Fuck It
Sometimes I just have to remind myself to take a step back and not say anything. Yeah, you're busy having fun with friends. Yeah, you just happened to have some free time to go on Tumblr but not talk to me. Fuck it, I don't even know if you're awake this late in the afternoon.
I'm so back-and-forth right now that it just makes me sick. I'm trying my hardest to show how much I care. Can I say the same for you, I've no idea. I'm waiting for the day when I start seeing explicit messages on Tumblr about your sexual escapades with a girl who just so HAPPENED to be a friend of your former FWB. It's as if you jump one shark tank into an exact duplicate, and for what? So you can get laid? Are you that fucking bored? Desperate? And what does this say about me, just willing to put up with it when you're doing even poorly at hiding it this time around?
Fucking hell. One week you were asking me "How would you feel if I got a half-sleeve tattoo?"......seriously? Why the fuck are you asking me? I have no hold over your decisions, so if you want to know how I feel about it, then I feel like this is a question better suited for your mother or girlfriend - of which I'm NEITHER.
But that was last week, this week you're on Tumblr hitting on this nutcase and forgetting that I exist. Then when we start talking Vidcon plans, your anxiety drives you to tell me "Vidcon isn't about me, you should go and have fun without me." Fuck no, I will never go to Vidcon alone, you're the only reason I agreed to go in the first place. "What about Corey, aren't you friends with him now?" ....WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. If I didn't know better, it sounds like you're jealous. And who wants to bet that if I attempted the jealous card the same way you do, you're going to run.
What do I really want? All I want is to be able to provide the support you desperately deserve. I'm aware we're not in a relationship. I want to be able to respect your freedom to be with whomever you want. I want to respect the fact that you went through a rough breakup a year ago, and you're still dealing with it - especially since its anniversary, if this month has been any indication. I wish desperately that I was living down there with you now, and it makes me incredibly happy that you want me to come down to ABQ for the concert if Vidcon plans don't pan over.
But god, how much I wish I could hold your hand in front of this bitch to make it known who she's dealing with.
I'm so back-and-forth right now that it just makes me sick. I'm trying my hardest to show how much I care. Can I say the same for you, I've no idea. I'm waiting for the day when I start seeing explicit messages on Tumblr about your sexual escapades with a girl who just so HAPPENED to be a friend of your former FWB. It's as if you jump one shark tank into an exact duplicate, and for what? So you can get laid? Are you that fucking bored? Desperate? And what does this say about me, just willing to put up with it when you're doing even poorly at hiding it this time around?
Fucking hell. One week you were asking me "How would you feel if I got a half-sleeve tattoo?"......seriously? Why the fuck are you asking me? I have no hold over your decisions, so if you want to know how I feel about it, then I feel like this is a question better suited for your mother or girlfriend - of which I'm NEITHER.
But that was last week, this week you're on Tumblr hitting on this nutcase and forgetting that I exist. Then when we start talking Vidcon plans, your anxiety drives you to tell me "Vidcon isn't about me, you should go and have fun without me." Fuck no, I will never go to Vidcon alone, you're the only reason I agreed to go in the first place. "What about Corey, aren't you friends with him now?" ....WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING. If I didn't know better, it sounds like you're jealous. And who wants to bet that if I attempted the jealous card the same way you do, you're going to run.
What do I really want? All I want is to be able to provide the support you desperately deserve. I'm aware we're not in a relationship. I want to be able to respect your freedom to be with whomever you want. I want to respect the fact that you went through a rough breakup a year ago, and you're still dealing with it - especially since its anniversary, if this month has been any indication. I wish desperately that I was living down there with you now, and it makes me incredibly happy that you want me to come down to ABQ for the concert if Vidcon plans don't pan over.
But god, how much I wish I could hold your hand in front of this bitch to make it known who she's dealing with.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Scared
I'm aware I'm scared of change. But that doesn't make me feel better, or instigate bravery.
It's been about 2 weeks since he last called me babe.
It's been exactly 3 weeks since he last said I love your face.
It's been I-don't-know-how-long since he's last instigated a conversation that wasn't around a youtube video or twitter status or tumblr photo.
...it's as if I'm living the song lyric "It's always darkest before the dawn," and I'm terrified that I haven't reached the darkest point yet. I don't even dare discuss this with anyone because I know where the conversation is going to go.
This doesn't look good. And it feels even worse.
...fucking hell.
It's been about 2 weeks since he last called me babe.
It's been exactly 3 weeks since he last said I love your face.
It's been I-don't-know-how-long since he's last instigated a conversation that wasn't around a youtube video or twitter status or tumblr photo.
...it's as if I'm living the song lyric "It's always darkest before the dawn," and I'm terrified that I haven't reached the darkest point yet. I don't even dare discuss this with anyone because I know where the conversation is going to go.
This doesn't look good. And it feels even worse.
...fucking hell.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Waiting for the Final Blow
...and again, the silence falls. Because now when I say I love yo face, it's met with silence. Unless I fill it with another transition to a different topic.
But no more. I don't care if that statement hangs for the rest of the evening. He can stare at it and reflect on why it's so hard for him to say it back to me now.
Fuck it.
But no more. I don't care if that statement hangs for the rest of the evening. He can stare at it and reflect on why it's so hard for him to say it back to me now.
Fuck it.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Short Musings
What I'd give to hear him say 'I love yo face' again....
There's a small voice in my head that wishes maybe he just hasn't realized it's been over a week since he's said it. But we're not stupid. It's one of the reasons I fell so hard for him. No.....we're well aware of the dynamics shift. I just wish I knew what it'd take to set things right again so I can hear him say it without restraint...
I love your face.
There's a small voice in my head that wishes maybe he just hasn't realized it's been over a week since he's said it. But we're not stupid. It's one of the reasons I fell so hard for him. No.....we're well aware of the dynamics shift. I just wish I knew what it'd take to set things right again so I can hear him say it without restraint...
I love your face.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
...And More Silence
I hate silence.
I know, I've said it before and I hate that I have to say it again. I hate silence.
But if there's anything I'm willing to hate more right now, it's the fact that since leaving Albuquerque six days ago, I've had to instigate every Skype and text message conversation. I can put something up on Twitter and most likely get a response, yet you don't have anything to say to me? Even after you finally get your day of glory at work that you've been looking forward to for weeks now? Bullshit.
It might kill me inside to keep quiet, but like fucking hell am I going to continue coming up with things to say when you're around. Because by this point, I'm feeling more like nothing but an annoyance. If you're going to say you miss my face, then you're gonna damn well mean it when you do. And if you're gonna ask why you haven't heard from me in a while, then at least I'll be able to ask when it suddenly became my responsibility to instigate every conversation. We had a good balance going. Now all I want is for you to ask me how my day went.
...No, what I really want is to know if I fucked things up that badly coming down to see you. I want to know if I fucked things up permanently showing you my feelings, or just what I've done to make you quit talking to me. I want to know whether you're just stressed about something and whether I can help with it. I want to know when things will go back to normal.
I hate silence, but I hate insincerity more. I'd rather be alone and depressed than have to beg for attention.....even though I feel so, so fucking alone.
I know, I've said it before and I hate that I have to say it again. I hate silence.
But if there's anything I'm willing to hate more right now, it's the fact that since leaving Albuquerque six days ago, I've had to instigate every Skype and text message conversation. I can put something up on Twitter and most likely get a response, yet you don't have anything to say to me? Even after you finally get your day of glory at work that you've been looking forward to for weeks now? Bullshit.
It might kill me inside to keep quiet, but like fucking hell am I going to continue coming up with things to say when you're around. Because by this point, I'm feeling more like nothing but an annoyance. If you're going to say you miss my face, then you're gonna damn well mean it when you do. And if you're gonna ask why you haven't heard from me in a while, then at least I'll be able to ask when it suddenly became my responsibility to instigate every conversation. We had a good balance going. Now all I want is for you to ask me how my day went.
...No, what I really want is to know if I fucked things up that badly coming down to see you. I want to know if I fucked things up permanently showing you my feelings, or just what I've done to make you quit talking to me. I want to know whether you're just stressed about something and whether I can help with it. I want to know when things will go back to normal.
I hate silence, but I hate insincerity more. I'd rather be alone and depressed than have to beg for attention.....even though I feel so, so fucking alone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)