What Is This I Don't Even...

I'm a mess. Desperate for some clarity. Even more desperate for my best friend to come back...even when the last thing he sees me is as a friend at all.

I have seen him at his best, and I have seen him at his worst. This....this is definitely his worst. Blowing money on tattoos and new cameras, talking down to me, and when he doesn't want to be kind he just ignores me. Who he doesn't ignore is that girlfriend of three months. Took you that long to say 'I love you' to her, huh. And what did it take? Christmas and some expensive present she bought you? Because it seems that she's more proud of how much she's spent on presents than she is on your reaction to them...if you had any.

"Thanks love."....Do you do this for your benefit? Or for hurting me? How long can you two keep this up before someone says quit? The voice in me fears that you'll drag this on until you've destroyed each other. You've already destroyed our friendship, who else is going to feel this? What did you accomplish removing yourself from my life, other than prolonging my depression.

It tears me up inside, but this was what I wanted all along. To see you happy with someone. And yet it doesn't feel right. It feels so fucking wrong, and I DON'T KNOW WHY. Or maybe I do and it's the entire list of bullshit that's gone on these last six months...

....I know you better than I know myself at this point. I know you would contradict anything and everything I'd have to say to your friends, your family members, all of it. You'd contradict me, tear me down, tell me I don't know you at all because people change and I have to move on. You'd outline everything I'm supposed to do with my life, but never tell me what we're moving on from or why it's even necessary. And if you saw everything I'm typing here, you'd know I was right. You WOULD contradict me. You WOULD try to convince me that I don't know who you are anymore. But here I'd be, waiting. Waiting to tell you "I told you so."

I do know you. And you aren't acting like the person I've known for the year you talked to me. You haven't changed for the better, you've changed for the worse, and I know you'll look back and have your regrets. Same as you do with your past selves.

There's these...feelings inside me. Feelings that your relationship will end, even though I feel like it's going to last forever. What we had was good, but I truly never understood the depth of your anger, your frustrations, your everything. We NEEDED to have arguments, and obstacles, and problems. Every relationship does. But you're running from them. You think what you have is great now, and it might be. But if there's no conflict.....who knows what'll happen. You've been a stupidass, and we've made mistakes, but I would do it all again.

At first I thought you were running from me because you couldn't handle your feelings for me. Now I feel like you're running from me because you can't get rid of me. That maybe if you whore this relationship around, make me feel like an outsider, that I'll eventually leave. Yet look at where we are. You take no one seriously except for me. You allow everyone into the harem, except for me. If I don't take you seriously, then what, you'll get pissed because I give you what you wanted? It's immature and childish. But here you be, convincing yourself you're more mature than half the people your age....mature people don't spend money they don't have on tattoos and new cameras. Mature people talk things out. Immature people do what you've done repeatedly, which is get pissed at someone for something you think they did, then remove them from your life without explanation.

We're not done yet. You mean too much to me. The more I try to move on, the less sleep I get. The more dreams I have involving you, both the highs and the lows. My deja vu still asks me 'Where is he in this picture?' My body literally won't let you go, and it's fucking terrifying how deep you are under my skin. But that's the thing about love. It's not meant to be easy. If it was, then it wouldn't hurt so fucking bad when things are rough.

We came together when you were low as as you thought you could possibly be, getting off a bad relationship and figuring out how to be alone. You weren't alone, though. You had me. And you kept me until you thought you no longer needed me, replacing me with this girl. You've mishandled me, but the reality of it is.....when you've hit low again, and she's out of the picture, I will be there for you. Just like the first time.

Yeah, well, I love your face too.

Oh dear lord, it's worse than I thought.

Yeah, you're justified in being pissed about what I did. But you're pissed because I wasn't saying these things to your face. You felt like I was saying things behind your back, when it was right there in front of you on Tumblr. And you're pissed because only now you're seeing it. Well that's your own fault, because if you still cared about me or what I had to say you would've checked up on my stuff.

You're justified in being upset because you felt like I broke your trust. You trusted me to be mature, and for that....I thank you. You were upset enough and felt like I was being immature, which to me feels like a compliment. What I did was the exact same thing your girlfriend has done. And in some ways, she's done far worse. And for that, I am truly sorry and meant it when I promised I won't do it again................on Tumblr. Whoops, sure glad I never showed you this blog huh?

What surprises me is that you said you didn't expect me to like your girlfriend and YOU UNDERSTOOD WHY I DIDN'T......I....I......what? Um.....yeah, this doesn't compute for me. Be upset that I said you were dating your mother's clone. Be upset that I hate the way she treats you. Be upset that I hate she calls you sugarpants and asshole and everything else under the sun I said about her. But the fact that you understood why? The fact that you didn't defend her when I said she was overly attached? The fact that you compared her to the Occulus Rift?

.....you said you were really happy. That I don't see how you are around her, how you are around your friends, how work is going really well and you're getting so many contacts through your photography work and that you never share your personal life with people. That I have to trust your judgment with the people you choose to be with.

But being really happy is different from a committed relationship.  I'm....content that you're happy, but anyone would be happy getting laid on a regular basis. Anyone would be happy to have someone to call them "theirs." And you were happy with me when we were a thousand miles apart, just getting to know each other.

You were wrong on one thing, though. I'm not holding myself back because of you. I'm being held back because of ME. Because I don't have the potential to be as awesome as I can be. And if I was with you, I would still be in this depression because of my own limitations.

I'm still trying to soak everything in. To think I was that close to losing you...maybe what surprises me is that you took me back so quickly. That you still trust me enough to keep my promise. You unfriended me for all of what, a few hours at most? Most would be upset at each other for days. You and your girlfriend didn't talk for what, a week when you made her upset?....I know you better than I know myself. And I know you don't trust easy.

 And somehow, I have so many things I want to say thank you for. Thank you for finally granting my wish to talk to you, hear your voice as we talk this out. Thank you for making me understand how mature I really am in comparison to your girlfriend. Thank you for understanding how I've been feeling.....and thank you. For still responding with "Yeah, well, I love your face too."

Maybe I should also say thank you for not saying I went full retard. Going comic sans doesn't sound so bad.

...I feel so numb.

Until you shut the fuck up talking about doing it, it's just an "idea."

You think you're mind fucked? Oh you haven't seen what's been going on inside of mine.

All this talk lately about doing something vs not doing something, ideas vs reality....it's seeping into my thoughts and I'm scared it's going to drag me down farther than light the fire needed to get my ass into gear. I get it, I've sucked this year about talking. I've sucked so bad at saying I want to move to ABQ, I want to make a shirt for him and get a job and make these gifs. The only thing I've really followed through with is that trip to go see him.

That's the thing about anxiety, something my mom's struggled with and I'm starting to see I struggle with, too.

Yeah, I saw that status for approximately a minute. Then it was gone, and I'm stuck here agonizing whether it's been hidden from me or if he deleted it instead. I.....I don't know if I really want to know. I'm sorry I wasn't able to move down there fast enough for your liking. But sometimes I wonder if that would've even made a difference. Simply put, if you're disappointed in me for not being able to do something, then fucking get the balls to tell me.

....twice you said you were fucked in the head. Twice you told me that, once when I confronted you about shutting me out and again when you started that relationship. One day it'll all make sense to me, and the next it doesn't. These are one of those days where it doesn't make sense. You're mind fucked about your feelings for me, maybe, but why add to the confusion with a bullshit relationship.

I just really need a therapy session right about now. Sarah, the neighbors, anyone. I need a goddamn hug.

Srsly, if you don't have the balls to tell me what I've done to deserve this treatment, then you don't really deserve being left alone.

Simply put, there's no justification for treating me like an ex when I never got the luxury of being "yours" ever.

For Him

For the first time, I really, truly pity you right now. For a boy who hated high school, you have thrown yourself right back into it with the bullshit this girl has dished out. The only approval you've ever declared has involved sex. Yet every time you make a comment elsewhere, it's insulting.

"Guys if you are single. Take my advice...Keep it that way."

"Save me."

"Time to go call all the women I've wanted to have sex with then."

You put yourself into a relationship with a girl who's stuck in high school thinking it's fucking cute to go on your Facebook and leave statuses in all CAPS and call you Broski. I can literally feel the anger, frustration, tense pent-up emotions inside you through your every Facebook post, Tumblr reblog, Instagram pic...and it's starting to affect me, too. This girl has infiltrated your mind, inserted negativity and caustic sarcasm that is not like your quick wit. And the longer she sits there, the more things deteriorate. You are dating your mother, simple as that.

You know I'm right, don't you. You think you can handle her quirks and her baggage so that you can have a little bit of companionship and all the sex you want. But in the back of your mind, you knew I'd see through the bullshit. You knew I wouldn't approve of her. And now that she's here, you'll use anything against me to make me look like the bad guy for keeping tabs on her, for exhibiting hints of jealousy before you two became official, for loving you so intensely.

I want my man back. The one who flirted with me because it was the truth. The one who never hesitated to tell me 'I love yo face' because hell, you have a shirt that says it to everyone. You can tell the entire world you love their faces but you can't tell me? Fuck that. I want back the man who adored his job so much that he'd share previews of what he did when they upload to YouTube. I want back the boy who genuinely talked to me, not out of obligation or anything.

I'm entirely scared that I'm partly to blame. For not showing you how much you mean to me in person. Or something. Maybe I suck at sex, so what. I'm terrified that I'm boring to you now that I've fallen into this depressive phase, or suddenly because I've graduated but don't have a job you somehow see that as a failure. But fuck that too. Your girlfriend spends more time bitching about how much she hates her job and hates the customers. Guess what, I hate those types of people.

I'm so goddamn tired.

It's In The Signs

Someday I will figure out how to say this vaguely enough to go on Tumblr.

I told myself I wouldn't fall in love with you. I told myself that early on. Sometimes I do ask myself which of us started feeling it first, whether you or me. It was probably me, I'm stupid and hopelessly romantic like that. But considering how you flirted and instigated so much hope....maybe it was you who fell in love first. Maybe it was at the same time.

Now you're in a relationship with a bitch who is most definitely an abuser. Hey, let's list the things she's already shown even when you weren't in a relationship:

• Excessive and quick commitment to relationships (only 2 months of sex & 3 months of hanging with him)
• Isolation (him trying to shut me out and keep her a secret from me)
• Name-calling and demeaning (asshole/dumbass/satan/evil/white whale baby/Jesus Christ you loser)
• Dominating time (every Tuesday night and weekends, texting him during a concert, check)
• Insecure but presents a false sense of superiority (even more so than the chauvinism, check)
• Hypersensitivity and victim mentality (victim as in "damaged goods" and bipolar mother, check)
• Presents dual personalities (oh hell yes check)

Things that might not apply but can't rule out:

• Chauvinistic (superiority, pretty much)
• Extremely possessive and jealous, confused with love (telling him to go back to looking at pretty girls on Tumblr after a fight)
• Poor communication skills (broad but applicable, I imagine she)
• Threats against you, your children or of suicide for failure to comply, emotional extortion (....I don't want to think about whether she's ever hit him "playfully" and she talks about considering suicide every day)

....I so badly wish I was making this up. I had so badly wished that all of these signs were just in my head. But as soon as she called him a white whale baby, I knew I could never like her. And looking back at this list, yes it makes me sad that I can apply excessive monitoring because I saw this coming. Do I feel like it's disguised with concern for safety....I don't think it's much of a disguise in this case. Even better, I can rule out possessiveness and jealousy, because bitch please. I don't want to be anything like her. I don't want the relationship they have. I want the relationship him and I have.

What does this mean, though? It means I'm not changing a fucking thing. If the bitch gets jealous or nervous with me hitting on you, then big fucking deal. If you have a problem with it, then you can tell me to quit and then we'll discuss, but if it's for her sake then she can fuck off. You agreed with me that this relationship with her changes NOTHING. And to me, that means it doesn't change how I feel about you, or how I communicate with you.

If she's anything like I've dealt with in the past, she'll be writing hatemail to me in the next coming weeks saying I need to back off and that you're in a relationship with her for a reason. I'm still debating about telling you if it happens. I might just take it into my own hands, because I'm not 17 anymore and I can handle my own shit. Just gonna take some creative thinking as to how I'd respond.

I'm not going anywhere, bitch.

Overanalyzing.

I think, for the first time...I feel genuinely confused. It sucks realizing that I'm overanalyzing all of this shit, even though we both promised we wouldn't. However, he's the one shutting me out, so I'm rather justified in breaking my part of the promise as well. And maybe for good reason.

I'm entirely aware that this is like a replay of March. I hate that. And yet, my thought processes are completely different, even if my reactions are coming out the same. Yeah, jealousy may be the underlying cause of all this, but it's more complicated than that. I just.....I want equality. Equal treatment. I've been so pissed these last few weeks because he's been shutting me out when he's got his new replacement to play with, but he didn't do the same to her when I was visiting him. I've been frustrated that he won't talk to me like he used to because this was exactly what I didn't want to go through again. But then it feels like I make a complete 180 with these anxieties and start going in different directions. He shuts me out, but hasn't done the same to his friends - including sexfriends, apparently. Am I not on the same level as his friends? But then what does that make me, lover or stranger? I've been frustrated that he won't talk to me, but even when I was in town visiting, we didn't communicate much. I was so happy that I was in the same room as him that I didn't feel conversation was necessary. And even before, we've talked for months now. More than anyone else normally talks to their friends, no doubt. We've kept conversations going through YouTube videos and Twitter statuses more than how our day's been, and I can't really complain because I've learned far more about him from those conversations. So it's not that I miss our conversations entirely, it's just...I miss our interactions.

But there's always that impulsive voice in the back of my mind that drags me down. He's shutting me out because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, I scared him off...He doesn't feel anything for me anymore. It took him less than 2 days to replace me, no doubt he was just relieved to see me leave....did I really suck at sex that badly?...He has more fun talking to her anyways, she probably does all the talking so he doesn't have to....I'm sure her conversations are far more interesting...prettier than me, funnier than me, far more interesting....did I not tell him enough how much I enjoyed visiting him for that week? Did I fuck something up? I was probably super boring to have around for an entire week...maybe he likes being called a loser and dweeb and Satan and sugarpants and seabass and mouthdate and all those other shitty nicknames she calls him...the sex must be really fantastic or whatever, to make up for her Tumblr looking like it's run by a 13-year-old preteen...why do I have to suck at everything so bad, even fucking kissing...surely he's shutting me out because he doesn't know a decent way to tell me to stop talking to him...I'll never match up to the other girls.......

However, there's one thing I'll never regret. I will never regret saying 'I love you' when I left. Never. Because even though I know he's made every assumption possible about what it meant when I said it, it was worth saying. Everyone deserves to hear they're loved. Especially him. And more importantly, it's not a fucking ultimatum. I don't say it as a form of 'Either you love me back and we date and get married or I'll never speak to you again.' I say it because I feel it, I want him to be happy and I never want him to change, and if/when he finds something he wants to change I'll stand by him and hope it turns out the way he wants it to. I still love him, despite every rational bone in my body saying that it's SO FUCKED UP to have these deep-seated emotional ties to a boy who's resorted to ignoring you and is off fucking other girls after I just went down there to visit him for a week.

It's so fucked up....but whenever I look back at those pictures I took of him the night before I left, where he had the closest thing to a smile I'd ever seen captured...he was relaxed. And it was incredible. And I didn't even know till I came back home that he'd been taking pictures while he was tickling me into submission all the while. I just....can't shake this feeling. That maybe he does really like me. And it sucks not knowing.