Shots Fired

"Is it weird that I like it when my girlfriend wears my clothes?"

I dunno, was it weird that you gave me one of your sweatshirts? You sure as fuck didn't say anything when I wore your t-shirt in front of your mother, or when I wore your favorite button-down the day of the We The Kings concert.

I can't fucking wait for that Skype date with Mette. Get this fucking anger and venting out. You're still a fucking prick seeking approval of and for your girlfriend when it's entirely unnecessary. FUCK.

I Won't Back Down

I can not, WILL NOT, be blamed as the toxic person in this goddamn relationship. I have done everything I could to maintain communication in it.

YOU are the immature individual shoving it in my face passive aggressively that I'm the "shitty" relationship you've been in.

YOU are the immature individual taking my every Twitter/Tumblr/FB share/tweet as a direct slam on you.

YOU are the immature asshole who has been running from the very beginning, ever since you realized I actually give a shit about you.

Seriously, WHAT THE FUCK? Are you SO disillusioned that you can't admit your own part in the state we're in? YOU ARE THE ONE WHO RAN AWAY IN THE FIRST PLACE. You've never once apologized for being an asshole, and now when I've called you out on your asshole bullshit, you get butthurt over it? You spent so long convincing yourself you are an asshole, so when I call you out on how right you are lately you turn to shit?

If you have a problem with me, then fucking confront me. BUT OH WAIT YOU WON'T, because you think passive aggressive is the way to communicate with me lately. You don't want my side of the story, then fuck you. The way you've treated me is the way you think I deserve to be treated, but that's not how respect works: You treat people the way YOU want to be treated, and apparently you want to be treated like shit.

I'm the Princess Leia to your Han Solo. When I said "I love you", you said "I know." And since then, you've fucked over your own mind and our friendship so you could replace it with great sex and avoiding maturity. Look at how much Leia and Han had to fucking overcome. LOOK AT IT. NO DON'T LOOK AWAY TAKE A GODDAMN GOOD LOOK INSIDE YOU. You and your girlfriend are two toxic timebombs held together by what, your mutual insecurities? Fuck if I know because you refuse to communicate with me about what's going on.

You are in so much denial, I don't know what it's gonna take for you to get your head out of your ass. And when you do, I don't know if you'll realize the mistakes you've made. You're such a fucking hypocrite now, it's amazing you don't hate yourself.

Then again, maybe you do. You've wallowed in so much self-deprecation, your girlfriend is the only thing giving you worth now that you've shoved me away.

Treat me like shit, and the universe will treat you in kind. I have to believe this. I might not be patient enough, but it will come...

Why did I have to fall in love with you? Why did I have to fall in love with your smile, your laugh, your sweet words and your hugs? How fucking stupid am I to still love you with all your faults, knowing you have commitment issues, abandonment issues, self-consciously still picturing yourself as that chubby 10-year-old on top of your LTA braces years and acne you still battle?

Fucking tell me TO MY FACE that I don't know who you are, that I don't know how kind you are under the asshole exterior, and by god have you run the asshole exterior into the ground.

HOW DO I FUCKING SHOW YOU THAT YOU ARE EVERYTHING? You are both the asshole and the lover, but you are NOT this judgmental, biased individual who's incapable of forgiveness.

The fact of the matter is, you turned your back on me when my depression reached its worst. The culmination led to me doing one thing I shouldn't have done, apologized for over and over again, and I can NOT continue blaming myself.

But instead you ignore me more than ever, and I still haven't done anything to deserve it.

You fucking fartbag, you deserve to lose everything at this point for the egotistical attitude you've exhibited.

I just want the crying to stop. I want to feel...less.

Your Face

Every time I see your face I go weak. I just want to reach out and hug your face and tell you everything will be all right.

It's like I can feel your turmoil, your emotional instability.

You've become a fartbag. And I've apologized enough for my mistakes that I can't take back.

And while you might have intended to passive aggressively tell me "I'm not worth it", the reality is you told a fellow movie clubber that he wasn't worth including on your theoretical party. Did you mean it as a joke? Maybe. But it was an immature dick move.

No one is impressed with your behavior. Your friends are not impressed with your snapchats of your girlfriend. Then again, how many of your friends are now made up from her friends?

I don't want to watch you drown in hate, anger, and supposed love. You're choking on the vindictive attitude toward me. You're going to choke on toting around your love for her.....and in some ways I'm doing the same with you. Choking, drowning, and now taking the steps to build myself up again.

Tell me what I did that deemed me "unworthy." Then we'll talk.

Some Things Will Never Change

No matter how hard I try, I can't quit you.

The more you call her babe, share things publicly with her, throw love around, the more resolved in my feelings toward you. I love you. I can't fucking quit. I love your face. I love you. And as I'm staring down the belly of the beast, I'm not scared....well, maybe a little. I'm scared you'll do something incredibly stupid. I'm scared you'll never come back to me, no matter how hard I try. I'm scared you'll never realize how immature and childish you've become.

Don't even try to hide it. You make posts thinking you're hilarious when they're just not the same. So yeah, I'm calling you out on it, and so will my friends and your friends. I can't even tell if you're keeping up with your friends since you spend so much time with hers now. Remove them from the picture, and what will you have?

You'll come back to me. I can't give up hope that you will, and you're just unpredictable enough that you probably will. But you're drowning in her, drowning in the holiday love, and that high won't last forever. You couldn't make it last with me.

What Is This I Don't Even...

I'm a mess. Desperate for some clarity. Even more desperate for my best friend to come back...even when the last thing he sees me is as a friend at all.

I have seen him at his best, and I have seen him at his worst. This....this is definitely his worst. Blowing money on tattoos and new cameras, talking down to me, and when he doesn't want to be kind he just ignores me. Who he doesn't ignore is that girlfriend of three months. Took you that long to say 'I love you' to her, huh. And what did it take? Christmas and some expensive present she bought you? Because it seems that she's more proud of how much she's spent on presents than she is on your reaction to them...if you had any.

"Thanks love."....Do you do this for your benefit? Or for hurting me? How long can you two keep this up before someone says quit? The voice in me fears that you'll drag this on until you've destroyed each other. You've already destroyed our friendship, who else is going to feel this? What did you accomplish removing yourself from my life, other than prolonging my depression.

It tears me up inside, but this was what I wanted all along. To see you happy with someone. And yet it doesn't feel right. It feels so fucking wrong, and I DON'T KNOW WHY. Or maybe I do and it's the entire list of bullshit that's gone on these last six months...

....I know you better than I know myself at this point. I know you would contradict anything and everything I'd have to say to your friends, your family members, all of it. You'd contradict me, tear me down, tell me I don't know you at all because people change and I have to move on. You'd outline everything I'm supposed to do with my life, but never tell me what we're moving on from or why it's even necessary. And if you saw everything I'm typing here, you'd know I was right. You WOULD contradict me. You WOULD try to convince me that I don't know who you are anymore. But here I'd be, waiting. Waiting to tell you "I told you so."

I do know you. And you aren't acting like the person I've known for the year you talked to me. You haven't changed for the better, you've changed for the worse, and I know you'll look back and have your regrets. Same as you do with your past selves.

There's these...feelings inside me. Feelings that your relationship will end, even though I feel like it's going to last forever. What we had was good, but I truly never understood the depth of your anger, your frustrations, your everything. We NEEDED to have arguments, and obstacles, and problems. Every relationship does. But you're running from them. You think what you have is great now, and it might be. But if there's no conflict.....who knows what'll happen. You've been a stupidass, and we've made mistakes, but I would do it all again.

At first I thought you were running from me because you couldn't handle your feelings for me. Now I feel like you're running from me because you can't get rid of me. That maybe if you whore this relationship around, make me feel like an outsider, that I'll eventually leave. Yet look at where we are. You take no one seriously except for me. You allow everyone into the harem, except for me. If I don't take you seriously, then what, you'll get pissed because I give you what you wanted? It's immature and childish. But here you be, convincing yourself you're more mature than half the people your age....mature people don't spend money they don't have on tattoos and new cameras. Mature people talk things out. Immature people do what you've done repeatedly, which is get pissed at someone for something you think they did, then remove them from your life without explanation.

We're not done yet. You mean too much to me. The more I try to move on, the less sleep I get. The more dreams I have involving you, both the highs and the lows. My deja vu still asks me 'Where is he in this picture?' My body literally won't let you go, and it's fucking terrifying how deep you are under my skin. But that's the thing about love. It's not meant to be easy. If it was, then it wouldn't hurt so fucking bad when things are rough.

We came together when you were low as as you thought you could possibly be, getting off a bad relationship and figuring out how to be alone. You weren't alone, though. You had me. And you kept me until you thought you no longer needed me, replacing me with this girl. You've mishandled me, but the reality of it is.....when you've hit low again, and she's out of the picture, I will be there for you. Just like the first time.

Yeah, well, I love your face too.

Oh dear lord, it's worse than I thought.

Yeah, you're justified in being pissed about what I did. But you're pissed because I wasn't saying these things to your face. You felt like I was saying things behind your back, when it was right there in front of you on Tumblr. And you're pissed because only now you're seeing it. Well that's your own fault, because if you still cared about me or what I had to say you would've checked up on my stuff.

You're justified in being upset because you felt like I broke your trust. You trusted me to be mature, and for that....I thank you. You were upset enough and felt like I was being immature, which to me feels like a compliment. What I did was the exact same thing your girlfriend has done. And in some ways, she's done far worse. And for that, I am truly sorry and meant it when I promised I won't do it again................on Tumblr. Whoops, sure glad I never showed you this blog huh?

What surprises me is that you said you didn't expect me to like your girlfriend and YOU UNDERSTOOD WHY I DIDN'T......I....I......what? Um.....yeah, this doesn't compute for me. Be upset that I said you were dating your mother's clone. Be upset that I hate the way she treats you. Be upset that I hate she calls you sugarpants and asshole and everything else under the sun I said about her. But the fact that you understood why? The fact that you didn't defend her when I said she was overly attached? The fact that you compared her to the Occulus Rift?

.....you said you were really happy. That I don't see how you are around her, how you are around your friends, how work is going really well and you're getting so many contacts through your photography work and that you never share your personal life with people. That I have to trust your judgment with the people you choose to be with.

But being really happy is different from a committed relationship.  I'm....content that you're happy, but anyone would be happy getting laid on a regular basis. Anyone would be happy to have someone to call them "theirs." And you were happy with me when we were a thousand miles apart, just getting to know each other.

You were wrong on one thing, though. I'm not holding myself back because of you. I'm being held back because of ME. Because I don't have the potential to be as awesome as I can be. And if I was with you, I would still be in this depression because of my own limitations.

I'm still trying to soak everything in. To think I was that close to losing you...maybe what surprises me is that you took me back so quickly. That you still trust me enough to keep my promise. You unfriended me for all of what, a few hours at most? Most would be upset at each other for days. You and your girlfriend didn't talk for what, a week when you made her upset?....I know you better than I know myself. And I know you don't trust easy.

 And somehow, I have so many things I want to say thank you for. Thank you for finally granting my wish to talk to you, hear your voice as we talk this out. Thank you for making me understand how mature I really am in comparison to your girlfriend. Thank you for understanding how I've been feeling.....and thank you. For still responding with "Yeah, well, I love your face too."

Maybe I should also say thank you for not saying I went full retard. Going comic sans doesn't sound so bad.

...I feel so numb.