What am I even doing here.

I need an outlet, and this is the only place I've got. And of course, it's concerning a boy, because isn't that the source of most bullshit...and yes, that's a melodramatic statement. But I feel the need to get all of this out somehow, and I've nowhere else to go because he's part of my life in every social network. EVERY. Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Google+...everywhere but here, like an old home.

So there's a boy. He says he has a crush on me, he says he loves my face (originated more or less from our mutual obsession with Philip DeFranco), and he makes his interest known on a daily basis. Since talking to him via Skype/text since August or September, there have been all of two days that I didn't hear from him. The most recent time was New Year's Eve, of which the first thing he said to me upon reconnecting was "Miss your face" and an apology, because he was celebrating with friends - as he should. So in all, it's pretty well established that whatever relationship we have is a pretty close one. It's close enough that I've got plans to visit him in March, and he's wanted me to come along to Vidcon in August since tickets became available.

Cue to the past few days. He has a FWB. He's never told me about said relationship, I had to find out about it through said other girl's Tumblr. Why? Because he says nothing about this girl (OG), but she totes about her freelance sex (with him, by name) on a daily basis. The only thing he has said to me outright about her is that she is 1) a crazy feminist, of which she's irritated him about publicly, and 2) mostly harmless. After point 2, he told me that "no matter the competition, you win." Based on her interactions with him otherwise, she has corrected his spelling followed by "Don't hate me. I think you're attractive." I have to get these points across because all of them don't really reflect well on her, or them in general.

.....but then there was last night. It's been 24 hrs since he last contacted me, and I know what he was up to. Because of our few-thousand-mile difference we've never instigated a confirmed or serious relationship, hence the fact that his FWB leaves his single door wide open for dating other people (and is it so bad that I wish that could be me?). And in reality, I'm less worried about trusting him and more worried about what the fuck she has up her sleeve. I'm not stupid - we are not even in a relationship, he has every right to a FWB, and save for recently he's given me no doubts about his interest in me. Where she's called him out by name, he's called me out by name. It's small, but when you're this far apart anything's bigger than it seems.

And yet, it fucking tears me up inside.

I'm an adult, and I can handle this. I just don't know what is going to come out of me if/when he contacts me again. For all I know, it's going to be same as usual, or he'll apologize again, or whatever. And what am I supposed to do, admit that I know about all of this second-hand? That I understand him being in a FWB situation, but hate the fact that he also calls her babe and is able to use her for all of the things we can only talk/joke about? That she's the closest, most effective replacement for what we can't have right now?....I think it's literally giving me back pains.

If only there was a manual for when you're supposedly the "safe" one, because this shit really sucks regardless....I don't even know.

Why I Love Gender Studies, But Hate Everything Else

Today, one of the CNN reporters I follow posted a story involving a high school student killed by her abusive boyfriend. Of course, this leads her the reporter adding her two cents in, which is fine--it's everyone else's annoying opinions that get in the way. Now I know better than to comment, because this reporter is a feminist herself who will, of course, focus on women as the victims. And thankfully there are the occasional comment about how women can also be abusive.

Then, there was this comment.

"Shifting the discussion to male victims is like trying to make a case for "reverse-racism." Fact is, males are less than 10% of the victims of domestic abuse and they certainly aren't murdered on a daily basis the way that women and girls are. Men commit 90% of the murders in this country, and most are against people they know."

Ummm....I don't even know where to start. To focus on this comment in particular, I have this:

1) Yes, the statistics are true...to a point. To be more specific, males are victims of less than 10% of REPORTED domestic abuse cases involving PHYSICAL VIOLENCE. It is impossible to argue that the statistics out there are accurate when

• Men have zero support when it comes to reporting domestic abuse against a women,
• Men are so stigmatized to report abuse because they are supposed to be the "stronger" sex,
• Abuse is not just physical violence, it is also mental, emotional and verbal abuse as well--which women are far more likely to use over physical hitting,
• And if it is verbal/emotional abuse, what evidence does the man have when it's all so arbitrary?

2) Statistics on murder just made the argument invalid. See how easy it is to make a point all pretty when you disregard all other crimes that are committed? "Men commit 90% of murders! That clearly must mean that they are VIOLENT and women aren't. Hell, men might as well have committed the other 10% as well!" That, and it implies that domestic abuse is the equivalent to murder........I recognize they're both bad, but.....hell, there's enough debate about executions, won't go into that. D:


3) The part that bothers me the most is that the commenter compares male victims to reverse-racism. Which, again with the lists, made me think of a couple disturbing things.

• Suggesting that women should be excused from discussions about domestic abuse because they're reported as the victims more?
• Suggesting men CAN'T be a victim of domestic abuse?
• What about the other 10%? Shouldn't we, as people against domestic violence, make a case for ALL victims and not just the majority of them?

Essentially, it comes down to is it OK to compare victims of domestic violence to reverse-racism? If we define racism as prejudice against a racial minority, then sexism is prejudice against a gender minority...in the case of domestic violence, male victims are clearly the gender minority, and therefore the commenter's post is clearly sexist.

And that's why I want to write a thesis on stereotypes and males in the media. Boom. *bow*

Never Again

If I ever tell myself that a class is going to be good for me or for my career, or that it'll improve my skills in a particular? Yeah, punch me in the face and yet NO, NO IT WON'T until I stop thinking that.

I thought this interviewing class would be good for me. Ohhh no, instead I have more anxiety than I know what to deal with and it's my fucking SPRING BREAK, the one week that I've got where I don't have to stress over whether I'm able to get school or work related things accomplished.

Fuck this. I don't want to stress about contacting a registered nurse, healthcare professional, or whatever it is you want me to do. No, I'm not going to go to a nursing home to job shadow and watch how they interview people. Wanna know why? Because what sort of facility is going to be stupid enough to go "Oh suuuure, we'll totally just let you in and watch our nurses with our patients because confidentiality is totally not a priority here!" or the more likely "Ahh, well typically when scheduling appointments we prefer you give us more notice, the doctor's scheduled straight through the week..."

I know I'm biased, because I have no intention of going into the healthcare industry, much less an interest in it. But seriously. Give us more than a school week to get this assignment done, because you've got to be kidding me if you assume a majority of us will be getting it done over the break. The only reason I'm even considering doing it tomorrow or Sunday is because my neighbor had gone to school for nursing, and I don't even think she's a registered nurse. As far as I know, she is/was an LPN, and according to the internet that's the job you get BEFORE becoming a registered nurse.

But you know what, I don't care. I'm not in the healthcare industry, so I don't know what the whole ranking scale goes, and I've no doubt that the reason we have to interview the RN/healthcare professional is because it's assumed they develop deeper relationships with patients--which in my opinion, is complete bullshit. No matter what level of nursing you're at, you have to ask your patients questions, and you're going to get information whether you ask for it or not. I've had the same doctor since I was a baby, but the nurse that's taken care of my family has been the same, too, and if anything she's closer to us than the doctor is.

Fuck this anxiety. I don't need this stress. And if she doesn't understand that 1) I was busy during my Spring Break, and 2) I have work related events that take up the rest of my week back, so 3) I have to make do with what I can on short time, then that's her problem. I'll take whatever grade she gives because frankly, there's no way I'll meet all of her requirements for this one....

Damn. Anxiety makes me type more than I planned to. Gah. Also, I hate you internet, dropping out ever 2 minutes for the past 20 is REALLY annoying.

/rantdone

Feeling a Little Battered

I'm glad I can only revise a paper once. Don't ever tell me again that I can revise a paper for a letter grade higher. I don't think my poor dignity can handle it. :(

Don't get me wrong, the professor's feedback is quite helpful, even though I think she forgets that I'm one of the few students in the class that has never read anything by Tolkien. What does my knowledge of folklore involve? Absolutely jack shit. Want me to find a hidden Christian reference? Haha, only marginally better than my folklore/mythology but still completely useless. Pretty sure I was interested in taking the class so that I DID learn about this folklore/mythology stuff...

Ah well. Nothing I can do at 3:30 am to remedy knowledge I don't possess.

Edit: ......Yeeeah. Feeling a little hit upside the head now from editing. Basically I deleted two full paragraphs, I wasn't about to try and defend them because it would only make me feel more stupid. Feels like everything just goes back to my lack of folklore logic, because what the hell...the one thing she did like was because I stuck a mythology reference in there, and that I got from class notes.

She should just be damn happy I'm trying to resist going straight for Wikipedia to save my ass right now. :/

To You

This past weekend has been so surreal, I don't even know what to do other than lay it all out right here.

I wish I could help you make it all better, and I'm glad I can call you my friend.

Losing a parent is tough, and when a guy loses his father it's like flipping their world over completely. I can only assume that this was unexpected, but regardless, it's fucking tough. Simple as that. And while it's a surprise at first, I can feel it sinking in day after day that a friend of mine has lost his dad, and that damn empathy is starting to hit me, too.

Truthfully, I always thought you just tolerated my ass. You always teased me, picked on me, and while it never bothered me it felt like we were just co-workers. Meh, just that. We had some good times, and some great conversations, but that whole two leaves passing in the wind saying comes to mind. Then Saturday, just a day after your father passed, you chose to message me in your drunken haze. I laughed a ton that night, and saw a side to you that I've never seen in words--as far as I remember, at least. But now I realize that I saw a vulnerability that I've never witnessed, and my respect for your strength has gone through the roof.

Sunday came, and I had a good chuckle from your realization that you'd been pretty far gone the night before. Another short conversation, followed by two hours of talking late Sunday night, and I tried to do everything I could to help you keep from thinking about all that you've had to face while being at home. And yes, somehow I had more respect for you even while drunk than I have since first meeting you--strange, I know.

Monday came around and you let me know when you were back, and I was actually glad for it. Another hour of talking, and it felt good--but it was even more daunting to leave you alone. I can tell there's a change, a big one. You've never ever ever wanted to just hang with me, much less talk to me just because you're bored. I feel like I can't trust that you'll be fine on your own, wishing I could reach out and make everything feel better. The fact that you're hurting is making me hurt, damnit. So if talking to me periodically to keep you from thinking about it has helped, then I'm glad.

And if it wasn't clear enough how much I've been concerned for you, I fucking sat on your Packers blanket. Yeah, I'm THAT worried. :p

All I hope is that your family and your girlfriend is enough to make things better. I don't care if we never broach the subject of your dad, because if you feel like that's something you can do with your girlfriend or with someone else then that's awesome. If I'm making the smallest difference by bringing humorous conversation, then huzzah! There's a reason why you have those people in your life, and I'm amazed that you've reached out to me this much in the past few days.

You're a fucking amazing friend, and I wish I were a dude so that this would make so much more sense. I love you, bro. No homo. :)

Sincerely,
The midget.
(Or any of the other stupid nicknames you've given me the past year and a half....T-bear.)

PS. I think I've talked more about my sex life in the past two days than I have in years. Thanks for the vote of confidence. haha :p

Time to Boycott

It's official. I'm boycotting the men of NASCAR. Frankly, now that I've made it into my twenties, it's totally okay for me to appreciate them more...but wait a minute, what's this?

EVERY piece of new rookie meat that enters NASCAR look like they haven't even reached puberty yet. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a sucker for Trevor Bayne, but why does he have to look like he'd do everything so passively...yes, I meant everything. >.>

Meanwhile, Dale Jr. only recently got a girlfriend (meh, I've grown out of that phase sadly) and Tony Stewart is still blissfully single....and holy damn but Stewart's only looking better with age.

Oh shit, Stewart's twice my age.

Goddamn, I still want that man hard.

See what I mean? All of the newbies who are my age look like they're too soft and/or they don't know what the hell to do if a woman literally stripped in front of them. Trevor Bayne would have a heart attack and cross himself, I know that much. Buuuut damn....too young. I don't care of they're the same age as me, they're too damn young.

Screw it, going back to the hockey boys. Or Jared Allen. Now those are men. >:)

Of All The Things I've Learned About Korea

Turns out they have limits placed on gaming time to combat an "Internet addiction" epidemic. So somehow, between all of the studying, working, and drinking, they have time to play video games and do Internet things? Because seriously,

The teenagers and children are in school or studying from 9am to 10pm.
For the older crowds, they can go out and drink to their heart's content...but unless you wanna risk a taxi and it's after public transportation closes around 11pm, you're stuck at the bar till transportation is back open at 5am.
Now, they want to curb Internet usage between midnight and 6am. Wait, your people have time to play video games? I thought that was eaten up already by the shopping and entertainment and drinking...

#Totallynotbitteraboutthekoreandrinkingproblems.