Never Say Never...Fuck You Kinda Did.

I'm pretty sure I just fucked myself into the friend zone. Because honestly, I know he will make flippant jokes and comments, but when it's in that tone of voice....I can't help but believe him. Especially when the word 'never' comes up, even indirectly and inadvertently.

Respect is one thing, but I'm afraid he respects me too much. Which would explain things, a lot of things. Things that I'd rather not dwell on. But really, you say you never will, and I'm not the all-powerful mind reader that can tell whether that's out of revulsion or something else. In my ideal-yet-still-not-that-pleasing world, that something else being you never will because I'm somehow out of your league and will never have a shot...which sounds strangely like defeat. Nor do I have the capability to tell just how flippant you meant by it.

Sometimes I think I prefer it when he asks if I'm fucking retarded and don't have a soul, as opposed to telling me he respects me. Because he's done both before. But considering how he doesn't respect Lindsay one iota, I know I wouldn't want to be in that position. And yet, the slight chance of being referred to as a genius pisses me off. Like how nice comments from him are commonplace--just look at how often he's said to residents that they look nice, dressed nice today, are on the totally opposite side of the spectrum with them being the absolute angels that they are, or in Brandie's case 'perfect'....I don't want to be called that. I for some reason love it that he picks fun at me, even though I feel retarded when I make an ass of myself in front of him.

I can tell when you're pissed, and I can tell when you're joking. But I can't tell when you're defeated.

And to top it off, how the fuck do you dig yourself out of a hole like that? How do you dig yourself out of the friend zone, and back into the realm of possibility? How do you dig yourself out of the idea that no is a very real answer again and again and again? And how do you tell yourself that even when you find them infuriating, confusing, even irritating at times, and yet you still like them...they still don't like you. Every other time it's the case where you find someone amazing and nothing wrong and like them but they don't like you, and the one time it's the polar opposite....it still comes with the same result. :/

All I can hope for is that I've made it clear enough that I'll still be there. Hey, I made it to the soccer games, and now the hockey games. It's not going to quit after you've quit.

In his words, fuck off...